here r some:

If you try, and fail the first time, skydiving ain't for u

Most vacations begin when dad says: "I know a short cut!"

What is another word for "thesourus"?

Little Women admid their age. Few men act it. (sexist joke ain't it?)

"a myth is a women who is not married and has a lisp in her voice"

What is another word for "thesourus"?
The correctly spelled version, "thesaurus"?

i know these may be gross and wierd but its all i got! [ps. i'm only ten]



"if you say no to sleep with a girl.....your gay"


"your mom is trying to teach you a lesson that it was good to say no to sleep with the girl by saying:think about what you would have missed. then you pause....then smile!"

Of course, that's not acknowledging the concept that it may be a woman who makes you want to gag.

I'm hardly a fan of the latest Wall Street jokes, but I like jokes to make sense. Hmm, I may be able to think of a couple:

"Why are a woman and a hurricane the same? When they leave, they take the house and the car."

And that's all I can think of at the moment. And remember kids, punctuation is your friend.

"thesaurus" yeah i know lol... god damn my spelling sucks

"if you say no to sleep with a girl.....your gay"
If by "girl" you don't mean "woman", as in adult female person, then quite a few people would turn the offer down, simply because most people aren't paedophiles.
Or what if you already have a girlfriend/wife?
How about people who live in celibacy? Or people who don't like random sex (yeah, right)?
What if a girl declines? How does that make her gay?

you just shut him down

"A zook in the hand is better than one in the face":p
"Bullies are cowards in a big body" (it's true!)
That's all I can think of...

weird one: "At first i never completed sentences. But now I"
=/

lemme think of more.......

"when you have the flu, DRINK CHICKEN SOUP!" dude... the guys gonna get more flu...

I got some:

"I'm a Chav From Wessex and I was Privatly Educated" a Girl/Woman in my Law group (Maybe that wasn't 100% But what the hell:) )

"Facism is Capitalism in Decay" Lenin (That's True in 1930s Italy and Germany)

"I Think We both agree that the past is over" George W Bush

"China is a big country, inhabeted by many Chinesse" Charls De Gaul

"Rarely the question is asked: Is our Kids Learning?" Ol' Bush again

"Another Myth Busted" Myth Busters

"Is our kids learning?"

... Is Bush coming around to learning of English grammar yet?

"Someone set up us the bomb" ; "All your base are belong to us"

Funny syntax errors by nintendo.

Bush says lots of stupid things, someone could probably make a list several pages long.

Bush says lots of stupid things, someone could probably make a list several pages long.
I agree: Steroids should be banned from baseball!

http://www.dubyaspeak.com
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
http://www.speedygrl.com/bushquotes.html
http://boycottliberalism.com/Bush-quotes.htm
http://and so on.

You tried your best, and you failed miserably. Lesson is: never try.

The cause-and-solution of all life's problems: Beer.

I have to work hard? That's for immigrants!

Homer, you can't eat a hot dog with your mouth glued shut, can you?
- I dooh knooh, bah M' hunryy, Mwagde!

Deep thoughts of Homer Simpson

I was browsing on the net and i found this:

"Nothing Hurts more than a blaster shot to the groin, if you've never been shot there there are no words to describe how much pain your going to feel" Star Wars Knights of the old republic (*Evel and Sadistic laugh*)

From 'World Famous For D*cking Around'

Warning: D*cking around is stupid, and it can hurt, and you may end up crying in front of your friends. so don't do it.

(its something like that)

From another forum, I saw some idiot say this:

"Your a n00b so you must be wrong." - It was funny because the "n00b" was absolutely right.

A quotation:

"Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set him alight and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

I love that one!

"A n00b is a doofus. He... what's the question again?"
"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Master Yoda.
"So uncivillised." Obi-Wan.

A quotation:

"Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set him alight and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

I love that one!
Lol, I remember reading that one in a Terry Pratchet book, Jingo I think.

I agree: Steroids should be banned from baseball!

http://www.dubyaspeak.com
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm
http://www.speedygrl.com/bushquotes.html
http://boycottliberalism.com/Bush-quotes.htm
http://and so on.Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.
Oh. My. God.

I did a Google search to check if that was Bush you being an idiot or you being an idiot, and this page came up:

http://mindprod.com/politics/bushismsstatesman.html

They feel they have to EXPLAIN why that is a stupid thing to say. Americans need to be locked in cells until such a time as they can pass an elementary general knowledge test to be released.

"Many fairy tales begin with >Once Upon A Time<, but some begin with >If Elected I promise...<"

another Famous (ish) Colege Quote:

[After Being told the bloke who play's Baldric in Black Adder had his first acting experience in 2001: ASO as a Monkey]

"Needless to say His role hasn't changed, Much" Me:D


and some generic quotes:

"Right in the round tables!" Scooby-Doo 2

"Oh great, Nerd love... I'm going to be decapitated and have my brain scoped out for saying that, arn't I?" Me (again) whilst viewing SD2

"I didn't know what LoL was" My mum (:D )

"Breehee!!" One of my Dwarft characters I made in 2003-4

There's nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch.
(Ron Atkinson commenting on 39 year old Scot Gordon Strachan)

Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - movement and positioning.
(Ron Atkinson, again)

Tommy cooper:

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

----

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.
-- Uri Geller

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
-- Brian Pickrell

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones

A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-- Jerry Dennis

And so on...

Oh. My. God.

I did a Google search to check if that was Bush you being an idiot or you being an idiot, and this page came up:

http://mindprod.com/politics/bushismsstatesman.html

They feel they have to EXPLAIN why that is a stupid thing to say. Americans need to be locked in cells until such a time as they can pass an elementary general knowledge test to be released.Thanks for that.:p

It really suprised me though just how much utter stupidity Bush has said.

I knew he was an idiot, I was suprised at the amount of idiocy.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
-- Chris Rock

"Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah." - Eric Idle in the 4 Yorkshiremen sketch

"Turn your bloody caps lock off."

"And then we'll creep outside his office-
"And roll him in a carpet and THROW HIM OFF A BRIDGE!! WHAAHAHHHAAHHAAA!!!"

No, the best quote from the simpsons is,

"Homer, your father was a loser, and his father before him, and his father before him, its genetic! DOH!"

"TURN OFF YOUR BLOODY CAPS LOCK" - No one in particular.

Principle Skinner:
"Do you kids want to be like the real UN or just squabble and waste time?"

Mayor Qu-imby:
"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse"


(for some reason, the censor-filter doens't like "****by")

'****' is a swear word!?

edit- Wow.

Mr burns
"I guess, no matter how much money you have, you just can't control the media... *smiles at camera* Except that Rupert Murdoch, he can do anything!"



(please allow for some mistakes with that quotes, like the possibility that Smithers may have said some of it, or that its just completely wrong, as I only ever watched that episode once and I'm doing it from memory)'****' is a swear word!?

edit- Wow.
'Goat' used to be I think.

I prefer 'I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue wrecking no-nothing no-it-all'

A quote from "Andy Richter Controls the Universe":

"Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish... And his wife!"

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307716/quotes

I prefer 'I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue wrecking no-nothing no-it-all'
You should no the difference between "no" and "know" by know. If you don't no that, knowbody will no what you're talking about. They'll have know idea at all.

Good point. *Hits self over head with large wooden block*

'Goat' used to be I think.

Only for aku...

Just got this when I accidentally only selected one post to merge:


vBulletin Tip #42: Not much would be accomplished by merging this item with itself.

*Hands an award to Jelsoft*

LOL, nice! *shoves in sig as quote of the year*

"put your hand on a boiling hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour, sit with a realy pretty girl for an hour and it feels like a minute, thats relativity" -einstein

this was on someone's sig in some forum...

and a joke i found in a very bad joke book:
"NEWS FLASH: a tall and short robber have escaped from jail, police are searching high and low for them"

and a joke i found in a very bad joke book:
"NEWS FLASH: a tall and short robber have escaped from jail, police are searching high and low for them"
I know one like that - a psychic midget has escaped from prison. The next day, the newspaper headline was "Small Medium At Large"

I know one like that - a psychic midget has escaped from prison. The next day, the newspaper headline was "Small Medium At Large"
I think you have to be called Ronnie to get away with jokes like those.

I don't think one line gags really count as quotes.

Oh, the irony...
I don't think one line gags really count as quotes.
__________________
Genius is 99% perspiration and 2% arithmetic.

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!

Early bird gets the worm, but second mouse gets the cheese!

Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least its the scenic route

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving's not for you.

"I Reject your reality, and substitute my own" Adam from Mythbusters

Some South Park Quotes

"Uncle Jimbo: Now boys, boys, I, I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
Stan: Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
Uncle Jimbo: You what?!?"

"Cartman: Dophins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-lovin' hippy crap!"

"Cartman: I'm gonna be on television. I'm gonna be on television.
Stan: We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Oh, stop defending your girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins aren't stupid. They're intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise"

"Principal Victoria: Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for awhile, he's going to have surgery (class cheers) so you're going to have a substitute teacher, and I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison. (Kyle raises hand)...Yes little boy?
Kyle: We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison"

Meh that'll do...

'Goat' used to be I think.

Bloody hell.

This forum is too secure.

Oh, the irony...
He never said they were quotes.

heres one:
"living on earth is expensive, but it includes a free trip around the sun each year!! w00t!"

No notable quotation has ever, or will ever, include the word "woot", with the possible exception of this one. You can quote me on that.
He never said they were quotes.
I never said he did. It's still ironic, I think.

w00t!"
How about that?

That's not notable.

Homer Simpsons drunk quotes:

"Wow, I'm in NO condition to drive.... hey wait, I'm drunk, I shouldn't listen to myself!"

"So I says Blue M&M, Red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end!"

"You ever see that Blue Man group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs!"

I never said he did. It's still ironic, I think.
Well no, because they're not quotes, they're just one line gags which I thought were funny.

I like one line gags, but they don't really count as quotations.

sorry, i meant to put it beside the quote but scince i am using my crappy library's comp, i cant edit them =/

when i get my comp back (currently getting upgraded) i will edit lol

Homer Simpsons drunk quotes:

"Wow, I'm in NO condition to drive.... hey wait, I'm drunk, I shouldn't listen to myself!"

"So I says Blue M&M, Red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end!"

"You ever see that Blue Man group? Total rip-off of the Smurfs!"
here some when homer was stoned

"OH MY GOD we have a kitchen"

"homer: and otto is spelt otto backwards
otto: now your scaring me"

"My dreams of becoming a chef is as dead as the cat I'm sitting on" -Bender

"Love is like a happy little elf doing a merry little jig when suddenly he turns on you with a sub-machine gun" - Matt Groening

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing" - Homer

"Anything worth doing is worth waiting for. Unless when the subject here is about overcrowded bladders"

"You two fit perfectly. Like a rabid wolverine and peanut butter"

"If we were meant to fly, we would grow wings and have propellers sticking outta our heads" - Spongebob's grandpa.

hows this one?

"there are only three types of people in the world. those who can count and those who cant"

xDDDDDD, cracks me up everytime

Principle Skinner:
"Do you kids want to be like the real UN or just squabble and waste time?"

Mayor Qu-imby:
"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse"


(for some reason, the censor-filter doens't like "****by")
Quick google search: http://www.allwords.com/word-q*uim.html Edit: It censored the URL, lol. Take out the *

"There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't"

Quick google search: http://www.allwords.com/word-q*uim.html Edit: It censored the URL, lol. Take out the *

"There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't"
Ahhh

You learn something new every day

"If we were meant to fly, we would grow wings and have propellers sticking outta our heads" - Spongebob's grandpa.
That reminds me of a good one.

"If God had intended us to fly, he wouldn't have given us the railways"

Flanders and Swan.

"Anyone who succeeds when running for presidency should on no account be allowed to do the job" - Roughly quoted from memory of a Douglas Adams quote.

"Anyone who succeeds when running for presidency should on no account be allowed to do the job" - Roughly quoted from memory of a Douglas Adams quote.
That's from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, when introducing Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Ah...Hitchhikers...

"Turn the radio on! Look, if it'll help you do what I tell you baby, imagine I've got a blaster ray in my hand."
"You have got a blaster ray in your hand."
"So you shouldn't have to tax your imagination too hard."

...Such a pity Douglas Adams popped his cloggs.

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it"

"If you say your stupid, you are stupid. If you dont know if your stupid, you are stupid and if you dont know what stupid means, you are definetely stupid."

Red Dwarf time:D

Lister poses perhaps the universe's most vital question to the Cat, "D'you ever see The Flintstones? Do you think Wilma's sexy?"

"You think I've got nothing better to do than sit around watching you serve chicken chausseur in a stool bucket?" The Cat

"It's my duty, My duty as a complete and utter *******!" Rimmer

"Kryten! Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit!" Rimmer

"It thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate - it's gonna either kill us, eat us or hump us." Lister

"Form an orderly queue behind the gun-sight," the Cat

"I'm gonna cut off both his [CUT] with a blunt knife!" Lister

I can't be botherd to find any more...

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it"
"There's somehting odd about South End"
"Mabye it's the way the sea stays still and the buildings bob up and down"

Not incredibly funny, but typical AT when deleting posts:

This message has been deleted by AndrewTaylor. Reason: I think this post may be in Klingon.

'Just 20 minutes ago I decided I would go insane, and already I'm chasing a sofa across a barren wasteland' (roughly remembered form 'Life, the universe and eveything')

Here are some humourous Apple Mac quotations from Douglas Adams. Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Douglas_Adams (he was one of the first people to own a Mac in the UK - along with Stephen Fry)

"I wrote an ad for Apple Computer: 'Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end.'"

"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%."

"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place."

Here are some humourous Apple Mac quotations from Douglas Adams. Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Douglas_Adams (he was one of the first people to own a Mac in the UK - along with Stephen Fry)
Steven Fry, pfft.

A couple more HGTTG quots...

"You know what your trouble is Arthur? You've got as much grasp of multi-temporal causality as a concussed bee."


"Zaphods just zis guy, y'know"

Edit: Don't ask me what a quot is!

"We'd give you a replacement brain, it'd make you say "What?" and things, we'd never notice the difference"

"What!?"

You know, technically you can't consider something a quotation if you get it totally, totally wrong.

Oh, and Stephen Fry is a legend. And since Stephen Fry is the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, whereas Douglas Adams merely wrote it, I think you should pay him more heed.

You know, technically you can't consider something a quotation if you get it totally, totally wrong.

You get the gist of it.

And since Stephen Fry is the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, whereas Douglas Adams merely wrote it, I think you should pay him more heed.IMO, he's a prat.

IMO, he's a prat.
Have you ever watched QI? The man knows everything. Every single thing that anyone could possibly know. Whereas (purely for contrast, you understand) you can't apostrophise. At least, not judging by your posts here.

Honestly, the very idea that anyone could love the quintessential English eccentric, Mac loving Douglas Adams who wrote books and tried to save endangered species but loathe his good friend, the quintessential English eccentric, Mac loving Stephen Fry who writes books and tries to save endangered species slightly bewliders me. They're as different as chalk and another piece of chalk.

What happenned to put you off him?

Have you ever watched QI? The man knows everything. Every single thing that anyone could possibly know. Whereas (purely for contrast, you understand) you can't apostrophise. At least, not judging by your posts here.

Honestly, the very idea that anyone could love the quintessential English eccentric, Mac loving Douglas Adams who wrote books and tried to save endangered species but loathe his good friend, the quintessential English eccentric, Mac loving Stephen Fry who writes books and tries to save endangered species slightly bewliders me. They're as different as chalk and another piece of chalk.

What happenned to put you off him?
Oh, I think he can be quite funny, it just irritates me how pompous he is.

Plus, those bleeding coffee adverts. I mean, how unshocked when saying something along the lines of "300 years!?" can you be?

Bender:

"You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate to the cool crime of robbery."

"Hey, what kinda party is this?! No booze and only one hooker!"

"I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away."

some from warcraft III:

"want a bolt of lightning where the sun dont shine?" -orc shaman

"darkness calling to me....but i was on the phone so i missunderstood. i tryed to star69 darkness but his phone wouldnt pick up....i yelled pick up the phone darkness! put darkness wasnt listening....darkness must of been screaming his calls" -demon hunter

"this is not a dress, this is standard dreadlord uniform" -dreadlord

"no thanks, i dont smoke" -flamelord (from the patch you can download)

"last night my bottom half was on the discovery channel" -crypt fiend
"spider sense....tingling" -also from crypt fiend

"my father was mounted on a fireplace" -keeper of the grove
"free rides....for the ladys" -also from kepper of the grove

"cross over children, cross over into the light" -uther or human paladin

"*chugger chugger CHITTER CHITTER*....*BANG!!!*.......woah......im gonna need a new hampster" -goblin tinker (from another downloadable patch)

and the best one of all.....from the spirit walker:

"spirits talking to me *prrrrrp!* ohhhh, they're coming in clearly now *frrrrrt* they seem to be forming into some green, gasiest material *Plllppp!* ohhhh, i can see them clearly now *frtttrrr!* spirits are very strong today"

"Gladys, let's play house! You'll be the door and I'll SHUT YOU!"
-Unknown, heard on the radio once

This is not really a quate but its funny xD, I'm sure many people have heard/read it before:
"No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again"
I don't where i heard that but i heard it a LOT (and read it a LOT too =D)

This is not really a quate but its funny xD, I'm sure many people have heard/read it before:
"No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again"
I don't where i heard that but i heard it a LOT (and read it a LOT too =D)
Loads of places is South Africa, aparently.

more from warcraft:

"i shall attract attention with my human call: I AM SO WASTED-I AM SO WASTED!" - dryad

"I, am the DARK KNIGHT..................elf" -night elf druid of the talon

"WHERES ME DRINK!?!? i cant walk a'h 'ere withaht ah flippin' pint!" - dwarven rifleman

"LETS GET P**SED!" - dwarven mountain king (ecsuse my language please mods!)

"whats that smell? eugh bad dog!" - wolfriding raider

"we come in peace-s" - undead abonimation

"its not easy being green" -orc grunt
"i no sound like yoda...*yoda voice* do I?" - also from grunt

"wanna feel the ocean spray on your face? *SPIT!*" - swimming naga siren

"now, what are these markings all over my a**?" - tauren

Star Wars Galaxies Quotes:D

"Poor Rebels, You can't smuggle sand to tatooine" a TIE Pilot

"I will Dest-ARK *explodes*" Tie Pilot

That's all I can remember (for now)

'Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime, give a man a fish, and he'll stay in a boat drinking beer all day'
can't even remember where i got that one from...

southpark quotes:

" HEY! DON'T CALL ME FAT YOU F***ING JEW!"-Cartman "Eric! Did you just say the "F" word?!"-Mr. Garrison "Jew?"-Fat @r$e again

"Troops B raise your hands!" *black people raise hands* "You will be team "Human shield"" -racisit Army General...

"DAMN WINDOWS 98!!! GET BILL GATES HERE! (when he arives) I THOUGHT YOU SAID WINDOWS 98 WILL BE BETTER WITH FASTER ACCESS TO THE INTERNET!" Army General "I did, Over 5 million-" *BLAM* (hole in Bill Gate's head)

"We can't leave without you!"-Kyle "It's okay... I'm gonna die here anyway"-Mole "NO! I mean we can't leave without you! We don't know where the hell we are!"-Kyle again

Command & Conquer, Reject (Kick) command:
"You can't reject yourself! You might develop serious self-esteem problems."

Sex is somewhat like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, devide the legs, and hope you dont multiply!

"Hokey Religons and ancient wepons are no mach for a good blaster at your side Kid" Han Solo

"Well excuse the shell out of me!" Raphiell

OMG semi revival with some HK-47 quotes:

"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope...Love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticule, and together, achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds."

"Statement: I have already learned a great deal, master, and I am anxious to learn more of lying, betrayal, and new ways to harm innocents"

"Query: Now, are there any other horrors you wish to try and insert in my system, or is your electronic butchery done?"

"Dammit, master, I'm an assassination droid, not a dictionary!"

and that'll do...

On the 'The Movies' FAQ on it's site (http://movies.lionhead.com), regarding achievements:

"* the exception to the rule is Consistency Quality..."

You know, I've been thinking about the quote "It's always in the last place you look."

So I say: NO S*** SHERLOCK! I mean, you won't be looking some more after you find it right?

So I say: NO S*** SHERLOCK! I mean, you won't be looking some more after you find it right?
Well, depends if you can remember what it is you're looking for.

Good quotes... how about: "It's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets... secretly"

It's from Spongebob, the secret box.

reminds me of one i made up some time ago:

"congratulations! you have oficialy been oficialy oficialized, please remember: your oficial oficialization of your oficiality is oficialy oficialized under oficialy oficialized oficiality rules..."

That doesn't even make sense.

And he can't spell official

More from HK-47:

"Commentary: The meatbag speaks without clarity. Detail your involvement or the master will splatter your organs all over the floor."

"I would have congratulated him, if he had not been sizzling and incoherent at the time"

"Suggestion: Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?"

"Warning: Touch the master's blade and lose an arm, meatbag!"

"Suggestion: Electrocution work well. Evisceration and Decapitation are also effective, or um, so I've heard".

and that'll do for now

For Sale: Parachute. Used only once. Never Opened. Small stain.

This one is a quote from Civilization IV, which is quoted from somewhere else but I can't remember where. I don't know why I find it funny, I just do.

"I fooled you. I fooled you. I got pig iron. I got pig iron. I got all pig iron."

For Sale: Parachute. Used only once. Never Opened. Small stain.

Reminds me of
For sale: bullet proof west, if it doesnt work, you can get your money back

"Come over to the dark side; we have candy."

"Come over to the dark side; we have candy."
And you will have banning soon. :D

Counter Strike Quotes:

Player: I'M NOT A NOOB! I just don't know how to change my name!

Player: How do I shoot?

Why do we have to pick a type of Counter Terrorist / Terrorist, we can't see ourselvers anyway!

OMG I ***ed him after I blew myself up!

Dude, a microphone is not supposed to make that kind of sounds...

NO FAIR! I was looking at "insert CS player's neme here*'s spray!

I don't suck! I finished half life2 in 5 minits!

Team Fortress Classic Quotes:

Why is that guy running around with a flag (TFC is moslty Capture the flag)

Ah the good old day when no one knew how to use grenades...

STOP KILLING ME! It's VERY annoying!

I got the flag but I lost it when I typed "got the flag!"

How do you delete your ping?

Hey, look at my score! (guy on 56k looking at his own ping)


That's it for now...

Thats the most dumbest things I've ever heard n00bs saying! OMG! How do I shoot... really xD

I hate people who say stuff like "Im not a noob!"

Some noob quotes from Conquer Online:

Note: plvl means Power level, when you are a high level and you help newbs level up.


Guy with level 1 stuff: "I'm not a noob! I'm level 20!" When I checked he really WAS 20, which made him more n00bish because all level 20s have level 15 equipment or above.

Copied from the game itself: Stoldark = me

IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: plvl me
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: plvl me
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: plvl me
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: plvl me
Stoldark speaks to IOwnj00All: full team, sry.
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: kick one
IOwnj00All has been killed by Stoldark
[Ghost]IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: What did I do?
[Ghost]IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: What did I do?
[Ghost]IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: What did I do?
[Ghost]IOwnj00All speaks to Stoldark: What did I do?
IOwnj00All has been revived by bigben <----- was helping me plvl by reviving the dead noobies
IOwnj00All has been killed by Stoldark
IOwnj00All has been revived by bigben
IOwnj00All has been killed by Stoldark
IOwnj00All has been revived by bigben
IOwnj00All has been killed by Stoldark
IOwnj00All has been revived by bigben
IOwnj00All has been killed by Stoldark
[Ghost]IOwnj00All: stop it
[Ghost]IOwnj00All: stop it
[Ghost]IOwnj00All: stop it
[Ghost]IOwnj00All: stop it
[Ghost]IOwnj00All: stop it


It went on for a long time, believe me!

And if you are wondering, it is not a text based game.

LOL! That n00b posted the same thing for 4-7 times?

Yes, it is very annoying... The bad thing is that there are so many of them....

If you REALLY want to see spam, download the game and go to the market... OMG T3H SPAM!!!!!!111elevenoneone

Something like this:
Note: S> means selling, B> means buying and T> means trading

S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
S> 8 METEORS!!!
S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
S> 8 METEORS!!!
S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
S> 8 METEORS!!!
S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
S> +6 SUPER CORONET 2 SOC!!!!
OMG!! SUM1 PKED ME!!
OMG!! SUM1 PKED ME!!
OMG!! SUM1 PKED ME!!
OMG!! SUM1 PKED ME!!
OMG!! SUM1 PKED ME!!
STFU NOOB!
STFU NOOB!
STFU NOOB!
STFU NOOB!
B> DBS!!!!
B> DBS!!!!
B> ELITE BLADES!!!
B> ELITE BLADES!!!
B> ELITE BLADES!!!

'nuff said?

The problem is, I've seen bigger spam thant that made by ONE PERSON!

I begining to be thankful I don't play those internet RPGs...

go on maple stroy and go to the front of henysis on channel 1.....

the spam is just APAULING because channel 1 in that perticular place is where everyone goes to trade

i once went there to see if i can buy leather off someone once....i called out "anybody got leather i can buy?!?" and some guy who constantly spoke in captitals came along and said "I CAN GIV U LEVER I CN GIV U LEATHR I CAN GIV U LEVER" i went into trade window with him and said "i just need 2 leather you got some?" ....in maple story 2 leather is worth about 200 cash but this guy then said "I GOT 3 LEATHER I GOT 3 LEVER I GOT £ LEVER" then i said "how much are you asking" and he said "I GIVE YOU 2 LEVER FOR 50000 CASH!!!" and i said "s**t you expect someone to buy just 2 leather for that much!?!?" and he said "WOOT YOU ARE NOOB F**K YOU F**KING NOOB YOU R NOOB U R NOOB U NOOB U R NOOB"
...and he exits the trade window and runs off spamming in the chat "OFT IS NOOB OFT NOOB NOOB OFT NOOBY OFT B***H NOOB OFT NOOB F**KING NOOB..."

people are so imature these days

Why can't you kill him like how Luca did?

Why can't you kill him like how Luca did?
you cant in maple story, theres no pvp

Hehe, too bad, 'cause Pking is FUN!

Another thing that happened:
Im not gonna type "BLAH" speaks to Stoldark: blah blah, its just tiring -.-
So I'm gonna type > S(speaks to me) or S> (I'm speak)

>S wonna bai this eleete (elite) soord from me?
S> sword? No thanks, I need blades... (blades have higher dammage than swords but lower dexterity)
>S just luk at it lol
S> Pfft fine
*trade starts*
S> HEY! THATS A BALDE NOT A SWORD!
>S woots tha difrance?
S> (what i said above)
>S butt (yes..... he said butt) they luk tha same lol (they dont.. swords are smaller)
S> Yeah, whatever, howmuch you want?
>S i wil giv u a discont becase u funy lol
S> Thanks... I guess... how much?
>S 9.5 mil
S>...............
***** was killed by Stoldark
S> If that was a joke, it wasn't funny.
**** starts jumping around and saying: STOOLDAK IS A NOOB! STOOLDAK IS A NOOB! STOOLDAK IS A NOOB! STOOLDAK IS A NOOB! (he was level 50 -.- I'm 94)
People> what did he do?
*****> HE PKED ME BECOSE I GAV HIM A DISCONT FOR A ELEET SWORD 9.5 MIL!!!
***** has been killed by SoMeDuDe
***** Has ben revived by AnOtHeRdUdE
***** has been killed by YeTaNoThErDuDe
S> Ohh!! Lemme join!!!
People> Sure!
***** has been revived by blahblah

Goes on and on

The problem is, Elite Blades sell for 700k! What a great discount, eh?

Oh dear, Oft has been mutilating the hilarity of Wacraft III. <uses the +666 axe of whosyourdaddy on Oft> <gets a Paladin to cast Resurrect> <uses +666 again> <resurrect again> <continue until ready to commit suicide with boredom>

NOTE: Warcraft Dwarves have Scottish voices.
Dwarf Rifleman: [Slurred Voice] Where's me drink?
Ah can't shoot straight unless ah've had a pint!
Och, there's me drink, GET IN MAH BELLY!
Guns don't kill people... I DO! HAHAH! (Trust me, it's funny in the game)
NOTE: The Ogres have two heads. One very agressive one and one slightly dorky one. Agressive is Head #1, Dorky is head #2.
Ogre: [#2]That way! [#1] No, that way!
[#1]So ANGRY! [#2]So hungry...

I can't be bothered to go get any more.

Credits: Akuryou13 (The +666 Axe of Whosyourdaddy.)

In Diablo 2 (LOD/normal) There are weapons that have names like:

Silver Jagged Sabre Of the Mamoth

The names come from the ability(ies) that it gives. For example in the weapon above:

Silver: 50-100 attack rating
Jagged: Open wounds (Monsters/Players can't heal)
Mamoth: MASSIVE HP bonus

Now me and my friend who play it like to make up stuff and here are a few(these are quotes i guess...):

Long, wooden leech Pencil of Retardness
Dumb retarded @$$wipe computer spawn of Satan (My old comp :rolleyes:)
Uncontrollable hard-to-move black PS2 joystick of stickiness (Mine... Don't ask)
Silver bigscreen HUGE MBs RAM Computer of Counter-strike ***age (new comp, yays!)

Hehe, too bad, 'cause Pking is FUN!

Another thing that happened:
Im not gonna type "BLAH" speaks to Stoldark: blah blah, its just tiring -.-
So I'm gonna type > S(speaks to me) or S> (I'm speak)

...

Goes on and on

The problem is, Elite Blades sell for 700k! What a great discount, eh?
HAHAH! I laughed at that one! KILL TEH NOOB!

a quote from a dutch comedian called , um i forgot his name... anyways:
"a man walks in a bar and asks the barkeeper:
man: hey man, can i use your phone?
barkeeper: sure! whats your number?
man: i have no idea...
barkeeper: aw.. to bad
man: nah..it's ok
barkeeper: why?
man: i haven't got a phone anyway....
barkeeper: really?
man: yeah
barkeeper: aw.. to bad...
man: it don't care.... i'm not home anyway..."

OH MY GOD! I've got more noob qoutes from Conquer online!
Plus, I've got some pictures of it for you people to see! This Noob was attack me, calling me a "Noob" while he was removing none to 2 damage to me.

And apparently, she was only level 10 and claiming to be a "higher" level than me. And when i told her that she's just removing 2 damage from me, she accused me of using hacks.... So I did what any sensible person would do.

I ***ed her @$$

Here are the pictures (7 in total @_@):
1 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/1.png) 2 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/2.png) 3 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/3.png) 4 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/4.png) 5 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/5.png) 6 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/6.png) and 7 (http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/Lucadia/7.png)

EDIT: I't doesn't show in the pictures, but she was attacking me with thunder

HAHA! Serves her right! What level are you?

HAHA! Serves her right! What level are you?

I think Lucadia said 94 (Wow, that's high :p )

From my own personal stockpile:

"The physicist says 'Yes! The experimental results have confirmed my theory!'
The mathematician says 'Yes! My theory has confirmed the experimental results!'"

“Any sufficiently advanced tactic is indistinguishable from cheating”
(with apologies to Arthur C. Clarke)

"A geek’s definition of experiencing different cultures is listening to theme tunes from games on a rival system"

"One of our minus signs is missing."

"The thing about sensible topics is that there's only so far you can go before you've discussed everything there is to discuss. But stupidity is bottomless..."

"Spam is the filling in the sandwich of forum life."

I think Lucadia said 94 (Wow, that's high :p )


94? high? Please... There are still people who kill me in one hit. YES, thats how strong some people are. And the highest level is 130 strangly....

Plus, That wasn't my main account. That archer was level 85.

yes i know dwarves in W3 have scottish accents....and the quotes ive done in the past are by memory so i couldnt get them 100% corect

*FART* head 1: he did it! head 2: no he did it!
-two-headed ogre

(from warcraft 2)
head 1: i got the club! haha!
-ogre magi

(...and back to warcraft 3)
its a cook book! A COOK BOOK!
-troll witch doctor

twin blade action! for clean cut every time (or something along those lines)
-orc blademaster (that one might of been said already)

*SMASH!*
goblin: vah! vhat did i drop?
ogre servant: awwww yeah!
*romantic music starts playing*
goblin: whats that music? aw no not zee love potion!
-goblin alchemist (its funny in game, trust me)

goblin: vone of these potions stinks!
ogre servant: heheheh
-also from goblin alchemist

am i hot or what?
-flamelord

...and they say blizzard games dont have any bugs
-crypt lord

im the magic man...i got magic hands
-spell breaker

be quick, time is mana
-also from spell breaker (not to funny but meh)

"you will stop at nothing to reach your goal! but only because your brakes are defective!"

"Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done."

"Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck."

"Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!"

"Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you."

"It is so very hard to be an
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up."

"Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: A corpse."

"watch out for low flying butterflies!"

"Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself."

"Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Throw him a rock."

"Q: What is the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same."

"You will become rich and famous unless you don't."

"Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools."

"You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead."

"You definitely intend to start living sometime soon."

"Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person."

-the fortune command in the linux terminal
(i got loads of them! 5000+ !!!):p

"we sell everything exept for the stuff we dont sell" - a shop vendor in maple story

ANOTHER ONE FROM CONQUER!!! (archer currently level 87 and my main is 95... Was using archer in this)
Note: In the game, if you reach level 120 or above, you can get reborn into something else and get skills, like a mage with good strength to equip weapons or a warrior that can equip a bow etc.

Name=IHaveAReborn (yeah right)

>S plvl me
S> Full team
>S kick one
S> Who do you think you are?
>S i own u of corse (he had crap spelling.. why do all noobs do this?)
S> Jump away or I'll use rapid shot on you
>S i have a reborn 5 time trojan>trojan>trojan>trojan>trojan
S> If you have that, why do you need plvling then? And why the hell have you gotten reborn into the same thing over and over?
>S becuse i can n i own all conqer

IHaveAReborn has been killed by Stoldark
Warrior_Kills has been killed by Stoldark
ArcherGodess has been killed by Stoldark
ImWithStupid--> Has been killed by Stoldark

S>..... D'OH!

I got so mad I just enabled PK mode and used an attack that hits anything within a semi-circle in front of me... All but one of the newbs I was pleveling died and I got a red name...

Red name: Killed over 3 people, might loose some equipment when killed

Had too chill somewhere till my PK points went down -.-

twin blade action! for clean cut every time (or something along those lines)
-orc blademaster (that one might of been said already)
"Twin Blade action! For clean, close shave every time."
The Blademaster has a Japanese samurai-type accent. And he looks like one, as well. He even carries a flag on his back. Oh, and the Blademaster of Blackrock Clan's (he's a guy from the second level of the Alliance (commonly known as "Humans," but contains Elves, Dwarves and Gnomes as well) campaign) sword is huge. It's about 2/3 his height... :eek:

"Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the

parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation

should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership."

"Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue-elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
a blue-elephant gun."

"You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today."

"Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch."

"You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel."

"Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!"

"Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere."

"Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: you can't find a lawyer who can change a lightbulb, now if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a lightbulb...."

"Q: What is a light-year?
A: one third less calories then a regular year!"

"god made the elephants, god created the deer, god made the teachers, hey no one's perfect dear!"

"Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic had a band."

--the fortune command in linux

"Twin Blade action! For clean, close shave every time."
The Blademaster has a Japanese samurai-type accent. And he looks like one, as well. He even carries a flag on his back. Oh, and the Blademaster of Blackrock Clan's (he's a guy from the second level of the Alliance (common known as "Humans," but contains Elves, Dwarves and Gnomes as well) campaign) sword is huge. It's about 2/3 his height... :eek:
the other two funny ones from the blademaster are (and im gonna try a samurai accent in these lines)

"My blade can cut through armar, and still cut a a tomaytoh!"

"snatchin a pebel from my former grass hopar" (something like that, someone correct me)

...and yes i know my samurai accent is bad

PS: and i dont think there were any gnomes in warcraft 3, other than the gyrocopter i think

the other two funny ones from the blademaster are (and im gonna try a samurai accent in these lines)

"My blade can cut through armar, and still cut a a tomaytoh!"

"snatchin a pebel from my former grass hopar" (something like that, someone correct me)

...and yes i know my samurai accent is bad

PS: and i dont think there were any gnomes in warcraft 3, other than the gyrocopter i think

It's a JAPANESE accent. I mean, Samurais ARE Japanese.

On an online chat room, forgot which one.

Me: Hello.
...
...
...
crkty: wanna join
Me: Sure.
...
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
Moderator: stop it
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
Moderator: stop it
sky: ding

It went on for quite a while.

That guy reminds me of yo mama, saying "yay for health" for quite a while.

On an online chat room, forgot which one.

Me: Hello.
...
...
...
crkty: wanna join
Me: Sure.
...
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
Moderator: stop it
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
sky: ding
Moderator: stop it
sky: ding

It went on for quite a while.
You were in a chatroom with the crazy frog?

Okay, this funny thing happened to me while I was item hunting in Conquer Online. I don't know what made me do it, but I did....

******* speaks to Stoldark: Hey can I have some arrows? I'm out
Stoldark speaks too ******: Sure!
******* has been killed by Stoldark


I am an archer. He did ask for arrows. No blaming me, eh?

Err... Doesn't your clan forbid PK'ing for fun, Luca?

"Shut up and start talking!"

Err... Doesn't your clan forbid PK'ing for fun, Luca?


Shhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! *looks for guild members*

Yes it does... But I can't go for three days without PKing! I joined a guild that allows it with my trojan... Gonna have some fun, Mehehehehehe.

QUOTES!

Dude: I didn't kill him! The gun did!
Gun: I didn't kill him! The bullet did!
Bullet: Hey, there was a barrel full of gunpowder behind me, went boom, and the guy just HAD to be infront of me!

Don't ask where I got that... I forgot xD

Some Quotes From Star wars Galaxies

After a long Bage colection list "... Has ***d Lots of people"

"#### Reb Jedi!" My reply: "#### you! ######"

"Can't a girl Love shoes"

"LFG! LFG! LFG! Invite Plz! *Repeat every 5 seconds*" Random N00b Number 109563

"A Blaster is good, a saber's better But a grenade is the ultimate ***iser!" Me during Duel

That is playing Unreal online, in my clan's server.

We were playing MonsterCoop, a modification that allows you to become one of the game's monsters. The clan leader did not allow players to kill Nali, Cows or Rabbits, and if you did that, you could get banned.

Then i became a Cow, and teleported to my leader (i was an Administrator). Then said my leader to kill me. And he did so. Then i said: "You killed a poor cow" and my leader banned himself :D :p .

(agent luke comenting on cisken1's caravan pic)

agent luke: "LOL it looks like someone pulled it out of the swamp and tryed to sell it!"

lawd: "so do you..."

i found this really funny, i dont know why

Conquer quote, yet again! (My archer is level 92 now! I still can't *** that many people though...)

Some dude killed me while I was afk, so naturally, I would PK him back! But the dude seemed either stoned/high or just utterly retarded.

Stoldark has been killed by Hyper-Speed!

***10 minutes later***
I found him in the market.

Stoldark speaks to Hyper-Speed: Why did you kill me?
Hyper-Speed > Stoldark: I didn't
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: Yes you did!
Hyper-Speed > Stoldark: No I didnt...
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: Why was I dead then?
Hyper-Speed > Stoldark: dunno
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: Come here for a second.
**Left the market, 'cause you can't PK there =D**
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: Now... Why did you kill me?!
Hyper-Speed > Stoldark: But I didnt!
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: That's it...
Hyper-Speed has been killed by Stoldark!
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: Revenge owns.
Hyper-Speed > Stoldark: No it doesnt
Stoldark > Hyper-Speed: You're dead, don't speak
Hyper-Speed > Stoldark: No I'm not

I just left, he was creeping me out O.o

If I said I was playing conquer he would probably have said "No you arnt"

Issues....

"I'm better than dirt!... Well... not that fancy store-bought stuff. I can't compete with that." -Moe Syzlack (The Simpsons)

"Marge... Guess how many boobs I saw today! Fifteen!" -Homer Simpson

""You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." -Albert Einstein

If you want funny quotes, you just got to go to Stargate Atlantis


Weir: Okay, what are our options?
McKay: Well, let me see – we have slow death, quick death, painful death, cold lonely death . . .

Col. Caldwell: Can we submerge the city again?
McKay: It's a city, not a yo-yo!

McKay: Excuse me! 95% of deadly is still deadly!

Dr. Beckett: You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?
McKay: It is simply two adults sharing some friendly... Yes, with a woman

Ronon: Is that an order Sheppard?
Sheppard: I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah… it's an order.

Sheppard: Any way to figure out what they're saying?
McKay: Yes, of course, it says right here – “Why is the smart one having to stop and answer so many stupid questions?”


There's plenty more, but there's a few samples.

From Dr Who last saturday.

Cassandra : Oh my god! I'm a chav!

Personaly, it made me crack up, don't now about the rest of you.

"First, let's go over the ground rules! No touching of the hair and face!"
"Of course"
"And that's it! LET'S GO!" *large battle ensues*

"...Garbage Day!" *pulls out gun*

"What a speech: half Mossis, half Mikie Mouse!"

Something I said on MSN one day:

"I think I just pee'ed my pants of boredom"

two quotes from George W. Bush:

"A question rarely asked, is our children really learning?"

"Almost all of our imports these days come from overseas"

and an extra random quote:

98% of statistics these days are false"

"And this little console cried WEE WEE WEE WEE WEE all the way home :)" - Splapp

''Doctor, doctor i've broken my arm in three places''

''well, don't go to those places then'' :D

also

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Sounds/MeaningOfLife/Bing.au

:cool:

Splapp quotes: If that rat comes again, I shall BURST it (or something like that)
Bang, the dirt is gone.

Bang, the dirt is gone.
Completely ruined. It's "Band, and the dirt is gone!"

Completely ruined. It's "Band, and the dirt is gone!"Band?

If doctor doctor jokes count...

"Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I breath!"
"Don't do it then."

"Doctor, doctor, in the morning I think I'm a wigwam and in the afternoon I think I'm a teepee!"
"You're problem is you're two tents."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible!"
"Who said that?"

I'll stop now before I get lynched.

Band?

If doctor doctor jokes count...

"Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I breath!"
"Don't do it then."

"Doctor, doctor, in the morning I think I'm a wigwam and in the afternoon I think I'm a teepee!"
"You're problem is you're two tents."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible!"
"Who said that?"

I'll stop now before I get lynched.
"doctor-doctor! i keep seing into the future!"
"when did this start?"
"next thursday!"

EDIT: "doctor-doctor! i feel like a pencil!"
"hmmmmm...i see your point"

"Doctor! I think I'm a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself togheter man!"

"Doctor! I swallowed a film roll!"
"Well, let's hope nothing developps."

*Dies*

''1/7th of the time a man thinks of sex.''

=P its treu.

it's spelt 'true', and no it isn't

"I love watching fat kids run, its like watching a lava lamp"
-Some random guy from school

it's spelt 'true', and no it isn't

TYPO,

and it is trUE, it was on discovery channel :p

I'm not saying its not allot, but its nowhere near a seventh of the time.

Lets see, squirrels are natures little speed-bumps!

I would be a pessimist but I don't think it would work out.

I used to be a schizophrenic but we're alright now.

TYPO,

and it is trUE, it was on discovery channel :p
Oh sorry, it was on tv? Oh well in that case it simply MUST be true :rolleyes:

Oh sorry, it was on tv? Oh well in that case it simply MUST be true :rolleyes:

Hell yeah :P

From the movie "Hoodwinked":

Flippers: "So what's your name, young girl?"
Red: "Red."
Flippers: "Why would they call you that?"
Red: "(Sarcastic) Maybe because of this red hood I wear?"
Flippers: "Then what about when you're not wearing it?"

(Long silence)

Red: "I usually wear it."

''1/7th of the time a man thinks of sex.''

=P its treu.Even if it was true, how the hell would they work that out?

Even if it was true, how the hell would they work that out?

Man, I've got no idea, but it was on discovery channel... :rolleyes:

"And then trogdor smote the kerrek, and all was laid to burnination!"
-Strong Bad, Strong Bad Email #62

"Oh, what do you know. A Green Olive."
-Popeye, Popeye's Voyage: The Quest for Pappy

Yo Yo Yo! Da Rapper's In Da House!!!

"A drunk getting arrested is also known as getting nailed for getting hammered."

"A drunk getting arrested is also known as getting nailed for getting hammered."
Ahahah! Brilliant!
Where'd you hear it from?

This month's MAD magazine.

"A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes those words are in a foreign language"

- ... er, me.

Me in the car after dropping off my girlfriend. My grandparents and I went to a resturaunt.

Me: "Okay, I know how we'll choose. I'm thinking of a number one to five, who's ever closest wins."

Grandma: "5"
Grandpa: "3"

Me: "Grandma was closest. It was seven."

I'm not even blond anymore! I was born blond, but my hair got darker, so I guess it KINDA counts.

"Go watch some crappy soap if you want realism" - Superblob

Me in the car after dropping off my girlfriend. My grandparents and I went to a resturaunt.

Me: "Okay, I know how we'll choose. I'm thinking of a number one to five, who's ever closest wins."

Grandma: "5"
Grandpa: "3"

Me: "Grandma was closest. It was seven."

I'm not even blond anymore! I was born blond, but my hair got darker, so I guess it KINDA counts.

Laugh of the day!:D

"It's like being present at the reinvention of the wheel"

- me.

"Riching is for the smoke!" (sounds better in my language)

-me when I was half knackered on beer

"A long silence is often ended by a noise of some sort."
"Two people get shot in America every five minutes, that is a well frightening percentage."

Two idiots that go to the same school as I do. Oh the humanity.

"When I write, it feels like my imagination is striding back and forth as it dictates a letter to the poor, overworked secretary of my verbal centre."

- I do seem to like quoting myself, don't I?

"Im nevar rude 2 ppl u &%$ing n00bish bastrd"

~A really imature guy i once met on WoW.
(on an RP server, too)

"God, who in their right mind would make a comic with me in it without me being made fum of!" - Plasma

Sig'd

"God, who in their right mind would make a comic with me in it without me being made fum of!" - Plasma

Sig'd
No, no, it makes sense! Just think of it as a cross between "fun", "a bum", and "an angry Irishman that has no fear of beating the bajeesus out of you if you don't think of it as making sense!!"

an angry Irishman that has no fear of beating the bajeesus out of youThrough the Internet! :eek:

Two from some school friends to do with helping the environment.

"Save the world. Kill the cows."

"Turn off the lights, save the environment. What a bright idea!"

"What is a man, but a pathetic sack of lies?"

I be playing Symphony of the Night!

"What is a man, but a pathetic sack of lies?"

I be playing Symphony of the Night!
They changed "A miserable pile of secrets" in the PSP and 360 versions? Damn, that was the most unintentionally hilarious quote ever. :p

"You want 500 dollar?!"
"Yes, i would- please, i'd like to have 500 dollar."
"you want 500 DOLLAH?!"
"YES, I WANT 500 DOLLAH!"
"500 DOLLAH?!"
"500 DOLLAH!!!!"
"500 DOLLAH?!"
"500 DOLLAH!!!!"
(Quote from "Bubble Boy")

"This is SPARTAAAAAAAA!!!!" - 300

"Ow!" - Some guy in some movie and it was FUNNY this is FUNNY you LIKE THIS

Someone on msn: ...its not my fault that my face looks funny and it makes me look like I'm tired jeez.

He said something else after that but I can't remember what it was...

Someone on msn: ...its not my fault that my face looks funny and it makes me look like I'm tired jeez.

He said something else after that but I can't remember what it was...
...I don't get it.

He just says it's not his fault that his face looks funny. And that his funny-looking face makes him look tired!

Truly hilarious.

From The Simpsons, episode "Large Marge."

(Marge throwing a tantrum at her surgeon after she finds out that she has received huge breast-implants instead of a liposuction.)

Surgeon: Just come back in 48 hours, and I will remove the implants.

Marge: Yeah, and I will make sure to bring my husband to do a little malpractice on you!

Surgeon: Yeees... Your husband. I'm sure he's going to be furious.

"add another o to ipod and you get ipood"
:p

"It's so bouyant, it actualy floats!"

From Ice Age 2, I think.

"You want 500 dollar?!"
"Yes, i would- please, i'd like to have 500 dollar."
"you want 500 DOLLAH?!"
"YES, I WANT 500 DOLLAH!"
"500 DOLLAH?!"
"500 DOLLAH!!!!"
"500 DOLLAH?!"
"500 DOLLAH!!!!"
(Quote from 'Bubble Boy")

While seeing that film I laughed like I haven't laughed in a looong time :D

"Rather than dwell on my powerlessness, I chose a Helvetica type fontset. And I never looked back.

King of Hyrule: "I wonder what's for dinner..."
Link: "Oh boy! I'm so hungry, i could eat an octorok!"
-Zelda: Wand of Gamelon (CD-i)

"They'll never be able to get past this cardboard cut-out of a boulder! Another victory for America!"

"It's no use, it's made of solid cardboard!"

- Yu-gi-oh, the Abridged Series -- Ep 12., around the 05:10 mark.

"The best laid plans of mice and men... seldom coincide"

One of the cast of 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue' during a 'complete the well known phrase or saying' round.

King of Hyrule: "I wonder what's for dinner..."
Link: "Oh boy! I'm so hungry, i could eat an octorok!"
-Zelda: Wand of Gamelon (CD-i)
"MAH BOI, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!"

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

"Hey Bob, it's today...you know what that means?
"It's........not yesterday?"

Weebl and Bob: "Email" episode.

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (surprise!).

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose two geese, so one moose, two meese? Doesn't it seem crazy, that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Bumping this thread.
This thing is kinda true.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Doesnt it?

Not really.

Unless you're a skillful rapper.

Old thread, but...

"You know, for kids!" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hudsucker_Proxy)

Old thread, but...

"You know, for kids!" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hudsucker_Proxy)

...a show about the hula hoop?

Doesnt it?

Quick = "kwik"
Buick = "Byoo-ik"

I havent seen that one,where is it?
http://www.dailymotion.com/LittleKuriboh/1

To all you people puting bush stuff on here STOP first of all I dissagree with it Second: This is not a place to put political stuff so get on a better subject or this thread may get closed by somone like the guy with the green apple for his avatar.

To all you people puting bush stuff on here STOP first of all I dissagree with it Second: This is not a place to put political stuff so get on a better subject or this thread may get closed by somone like the guy with the green apple for his avatar.
If the quotes are funny, then why can't they be put on here, as long as they don't break other forum rules? I'm not going to lock this thread just because someone posts a few "Bushisms" or similar things - I happen to find quite a few "Bushisms" quite funny, but that's probably because I'm English and have different views on other countries' leaders.

If there is anything offensive or illegal posted, then please report it and it will be dealt with in due course, otherwise, it's not really much of a problem in this thread.

I kind of get mad at politicle stuff on a forum site. sorry I understand now.

Not a funny quote, but I like this one: "War doesn't determine who is right, it determines who is left"

"It's always nice having the pretty picture of your wife beside you wherever you are. The drawback is that it's always saying a thousand words."

A man was walking and found a lamp. he rubbed it and a magical genie comes out of it.

Genie: You have tree wishes but, you're wife gets double
Man: I wish for a new car
Genie: Your wife gets two
Man: I wish for a new house
Genie: Your wife gets two
Man: I wish to be beaten Half to Death


Good joke isn't it :) :) :) :) :)

You know, he's MARRIED to his wife. Spouses share with each other.
He would've gotten 3 cars and 3 houses, there.

But now he's going to die alone and miserable and plagued with the guilt of killing his wife.
Plus, getting beaten half to death would still be quite painful. I'm guessing he has permanent injuries now.

I'm sorry, but your joke just makes me feel too depressed. :(

:p

...a show about the hula hoop?
A movie about the hula hoop. It's hilarious, really. You should see it, even if just for Bruce Campbell. (Where there's Bruce there's also Sam Reimi)

You know, he's MARRIED to his wife. Spouses share with each other.
He would've gotten 3 cars and 3 houses, there.
Yeah, but he would have gotten all his wife's stuff when she died anyway, so now he just ends up with 3 cars and 3 houses that he doesn't have to share.