You run out into the street. Zombies are swarming everywhere amongst the ruins, searching for brains. Smashing through the city to the WEST is a giant 3-legged robot, knocking down buildings and causing all sorts of ruckus. Inside the dome at the top of the robot you see Melon, reading a book.

A zombie growls and shuffles towards you from the EAST.

>_

Inventory:
Stick of chewing gum

> Chew chewing gum until it looks like a very small brain, throw it to distract the zombie

You chew the gum into it's a mushy pink blob. You take it out of your mouth and attempt to throw it at the zombie, but it sticks to your finger and lands by your feet.

The zombie begins to run towards you.

>_

> Trip

Wow man! These drugs are radical dude!

Oh wait hang on, you don't have any drugs. Your light headed feeling is coming from the fact you just hit your head on the concrete when you fell over.

You hear the moaning of a zombie getting louder. The crashing sound of a building collapsing can be heard to the WEST.

It's not all bad news though, you find a penny on the floor nearby. RESULT!

>_

> Throw penny at zombie

>inspect penny to see which side is up before collecting

You look at the penny. On the top is an engraving of the queen.

You throw the penny at the zombie. "Heads up!" you shout, feeling rather smug with yourself at your clever joke. You gain 3 smug points.

"Alright!" shouts the zombie. "I've got enough for a BigMac now!"

The zombie shambles away. You pick yourself off of the floor and look around.

To the NORTH is a block of flats.
To the EAST is the shopping centre.
To the SOUTH is lots of ruins.
To the WEST is even more ruins, plus a great big shambling robot heading your way! :eek:

> Break into said block of flats to the NORTH

You head over to the block of flats, but there's no need to break in as the door is already smashed open.

You head into reception. What a mess. On the desk is a phone and some pens, everything else in the room seems unusable. Over to the EAST is the lifts and staircase.

>_

> Steal the phone and the pens.

> Write something rude on the desk with said pens

>head for the staircase, head for the top floor/roof to take a good look at the surroundings.

>squawk like an imbecile and **** on desk

> Steal the phone and the pens.

> Write something rude on the desk with said pens
You rip the phone from the wall and shove it into your backpack. Hopefully you won't need it to make any calls.

You also take some pens, but not before writing "PEENUS" on the desk.
>squawk like an imbecile and **** on desk
Well the place is already a mess, so why not? You **** on the desk like a boss!
>head for the staircase, head for the top floor/roof to take a good look at the surroundings.
You walk up twenty flights of staris and begin to wish you'd taken the lift. It takes forever. During the that time you hear loads of rumbling. You finally reach the roof and...
http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/6788/kmad01.png
..oh whoops he got pretty close. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to have noticed you yet, he's too busy reading. Over to the right the whole place is destroyed. It seems the machine is just working it's way through the city on autopilot. The building you're on might be next!

>_

>wave arms like a lunatic

> Run and jump onto the glass dome.

>Throw phone at it

>wave arms like a lunatic
You wave your hands in the air, as if you just don't care. Ooooh yeah!

Melon doesn't seem to notice.
> Run and jump onto the glass dome.
You decide the best form of defense is offense. You step back and take a magnificent leap, using the small wall on the edge of the building to gain some height. You slam onto the top of the dome and barely manage to keep a grip. Despite the ruckus, Melon doesn't seem to notice. Perhaps the dome is sound-proof?
>Throw phone at it
You ride the dome like a bucking bronco (or as much as you can at least) and hurl the phone at the top of the dome. It shatters into many tiny pieces, but Melon still seems unfazed. I guess it is sound-proof.

The robot lurches as it prepares to smash the building. You struggle to keep your grip.

>_

Inventory:
2 pens

> Draw a giant mustache on the glass

> Below said giant moustache, write in large backwards letters 'MELON SUCKS!', such that Melon can read it legibly from inside said dome.

> Jump off the dome and run away before he notices.

> Draw a giant mustache on the glass
You draw a mustache on the glass and then put your face against it and re-enact that scene from Father Ted, except no-one thinks you're a racist because no-one's looking.
> Below said giant moustache, write in large backwards letters 'MELON SUCKS!', such that Melon can read it legibly from inside said dome.
You write http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/5947/kmad02.png on the glass. Here's hoping he looks up at some point so he can read it.
> Jump off the dome and run away before he notices.
You try to steady yourself as the robot lurches about and leap off of the dome towards the building.

You miss.

As you fall towards the floor the robot lifts a leg and smashes it into the block of flats, sending rubble flying everywhere.

Fortunately, you land in a full rubbish dumpster out in an alleyway by the side of the building and the bags of rubbish break your fall. I mean, it sure would suck to die in some sort of dumb way in a text adventure game. Eventually you pick yourself back up and climb out of the dumpster as the robot continues to destroy the building. You check your pockets, and your pens are still in there.

The alleyway leads NORTH and SOUTH. The giant robot is to the NORTH. You think you hear some zombie groans to the SOUTH.

>_

Inventory:
2 pens

>Go south, attempt to get the zombie to autograph your butt.

>Convince zombie that Melon's brains are the tastiest. Draw charts proving this if necessary.

how about:
"check the trash you just landed in for something useful" before those last 2 suggestion :p

how about:
"check the trash you just landed in for something useful" before those last 2 suggestion :p
You rummage through the bins and pull out the first few things you get hold of:
An empty (damn) whiskey bottle
A broken screwdriver
An almost empty tube of super glue

Hell knows why you take this stuff.
>Go south, attempt to get the zombie to autograph your butt.
You go SOUTH and poke around the corner, to find a group of zombies eating a dead body. You walk up to one and tap it on its shoulder, then turn around and drop your trousers, holding up the pen.
The zombies look at each other. "Brains?" one says, and they lick their lips.

You suddenly realise that this is a terrible idea.
>Convince zombie that Melon's brains are the tastiest. Draw charts proving this if necessary.
You quickly turn around and pull up your trousers. "Now now guys, lets not get too hasty!". You grab a piece of paper that's blowing in the wind.

"Now see, you won't want to eat me because there's far nicer cuisine out there. Inside this giant robot is a far nicer brain. You can tell this as it is represented by the size of this cow." You hastily draw 2 cows, one bigger than the other.

The zombies mutter at each other.
"Brains."
"Brains!"
"Brains?"

It looks like they're going to follow you. You earn an achievement : "MOOving along."

NORTH is the alleyway.
WEST is the ruined part of the city.
EAST is the shopping centre.

>_

Inventory:
2 pens
empty bottle
broken screwdriver
super glue

> glue a pen to the end of the screwdriver

I say let's go EAST! TO THE SHOPPING CENTRE! (in hopes for better loot than a broken screwdriver and an almost empty tube of super glue)

> glue a pen to the end of the screwdriver
You use some of your glue to create a patent pending "extendo-pen with improved grip™", which is about as practical as it sounds. That is, a standard pen that's considerably harder to use.
I say let's go EAST! TO THE SHOPPING CENTRE! (in hopes for better loot than a broken screwdriver and an almost empty tube of super glue)
You head over to the Mega Mega Mega Mall. As you walk there, various groups of zombies turn to look at you, but then turn away again when they see your following entourage of three zombies. The block of flats is finally levelled, and the robot moves on to it's next victim.

You arrive at the mall, which is predictably trashed. This shopping centre is so big, it literally has any store imaginable inside, so where will you go next?

>_
Inventory:
pen
extendo-pen with improved grip™
empty bottle
a tiny slither of super glue

> Find and raid Thorntons

>get lunch

> Steal one of the new Apple Tablets from the unopened crates in the back of the Apple store. Failing that, steal an iPhone.

you're fighting ZOMBIES people!!

> Go to the hardware store and find a crowbar.

>Divide tiny slither of glue into two equal halves.
>Repeat the process ad infinitum.

you're fighting ZOMBIES people!!

> Go to the hardware store and find a crowbar.

Only a crowbar?

After all, they've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water heaters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers.

I'm sure at least some of those would be handy against zombies.

Only a crowbar?

After all, they've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water heaters, talkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers.

I'm sure at least some of those would be handy against zombies.

All of that and you missed the two most obvious ones.
How can one forget the good old Chainsaw and Lawnmower?

> Collect a pair of safety goggles (safety first!), a can of WD-40 (in case something doesn't move and it should) and a roll of Gaffa Tape/Duct tape (in case something does move and it shouldn't. Plus its like The Force - it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together).

All of that and you missed the two most obvious ones.
How can one forget the good old Chainsaw and Lawnmower?

Weird Al Yankovic - Hardware Store (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1NJ3_ynmIo&feature=related)

Anyway, I never actually submitted a command:

> Go to the chemists and see if they have any zombie repellent.

>Enter grocery store
>Take melon
>Draw woman's face on melon

automatic circumcisers:eek::eek::eek:

>Enter grocery store
>Take melon
>Draw woman's face on melon

>Kick melon.

> Find nearest gun store or an Apocalypse Now Emporium.

> find and raid thorntons
>get lunch
You kill two birds with one stone and head to the chocolateer for lunch. The zombies are unimpressed and go to find some brains to eat. You tell them you'll meet them back here at 1 o' clock.
> steal one of the new apple tablets from the unopened crates in the back of the apple store. Failing that, steal an iphone.
You head to the computer store, but find all of the apple goods have already been stolen. There's a Zune lying on the floor, but it shows a blue error screen when you turn it on, so you throw it over your shoulder and carry on shopping.
> go to the hardware store and find a crowbar.
You take a crowbar. You keep it in your hand rather than your backpack, in case you need it.
>divide tiny slither of glue into two equal halves.
>repeat the process ad infinitum.
You squeeze out your last slither of glue and attempt to split it, but it's just too sticky and sticks to your hands instead. After fiddling about for far too long, you realise you've pretty much made a mess of the whole thing and wasted all your glue. You throw away the now empty tube.
> collect a pair of safety goggles (safety first!), a can of wd-40 (in case something doesn't move and it should) and a roll of gaffa tape/duct tape (in case something does move and it shouldn't. Plus its like the force - it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together).
You find a fetching pair of safety goggles and put them on. This should help prevent some stupid adventure game deaths! We wouldn't want any of that! You also find some duct tape and a can of WD-40, but the nozzle on the can appears to be rusted shut. (It makes sense really!) You take it with you anyway.
> go to the chemists and see if they have any zombie repellent.
You head to the chemists and find your zombie friends eating something.
"What's up guys?" you ask.
"Brains!" "Brains!" "Brains."
You look at the cans they're eating. They say "Brains-B-Gone, industrial strength zombie repellant" on them. I guess they're pretty ineffective. Maybe they taste like brains? You grab a can anyway.
>enter grocery store
>take melon
>draw woman's face on melon
You grab a melon and use your pen to draw a face on it. Sexy! A huge feeling of lonliness comes over you. You sigh.
>kick melon.
You raise your foot ready to drop-kick your pathetic substitute for a real woman when an agressive zombie starts running towards you. You roll the melon under his feet and he kicks it, then suddenly gibs in an amazing explosion of body parts.

I mean really, kicking melons is pretty dangerous. What were you thinking?
> find nearest gun store or an apocalypse now emporium.
The gun store has been predictably stripped bare of everything. As has the apocalypse now emporium, save for a single paper weight. You take it anyway as you hate leaving empty handed.

Your backpack is running out of room, you might not be able to carry much more.

It's 1 o' clock. You meet back with your zombie friends. "Brains?" one of them asks.

>_
Inventory:
pen
extendo-pen with improved grip™
empty bottle
crowbar
safety goggles
roll of duct-tape
sealed can of WD-40
"Brains-B-Gone" zombie repellant attractor
paper weight

> Tell the zombies: "Wait here, I'll be right back".
> Return to the Apple store.
> Pick up the broken Zune.
> Ensure safety goggles are installed correctly upon self's face as indicated in the instruction manual.
> Hurl said Zune across the shopping mall at the nearest anything to give yourself a nice sense of satisfaction.
> Cheese it.
> Return to the zombies.

> Go outside and look for Melon's robot.

> Tell the zombies: "Wait here, I'll be right back".
> Return to the Apple store.
> Pick up the broken Zune.
> Ensure safety goggles are installed correctly upon self's face as indicated in the instruction manual.
> Hurl said Zune across the shopping mall at the nearest anything to give yourself a nice sense of satisfaction.
> Cheese it.
> Return to the zombies.
You hurl the Zune with all your might and knock the head off of a passing zombie. It's just like the good old days of playing Timesplitters 2.
> Go outside and look for Melon's robot.
It's not terribly hard to find. You see it in the distance trashing some more buildings.

NORTH is the robot.
EAST is the park.
SOUTH is back nito the shopping mall.
WEST is the destroyed ruins of the city.

One of your zombie friends begins to get imaptient. "Brains." he says.

>_
Inventory:
pen
extendo-pen with improved grip™
empty bottle
crowbar
safety goggles
roll of duct-tape
sealed can of WD-40
"Brains-B-Gone" zombie repellant attractor
paper weight

To the park!

> duct-tape an empty bottle to the end of the extendo-pen

>tie length of duct tape around can of WD-40, use as a flail

>tie length of duct tape around can of WD-40, use as a flail :eek: noooooooo! you can't stick the unstickable! you'll destroy the universe!

> Go NORTH
> Draw a big brain on the Robot's leg.
> Use "Brains-B-Gone" zombie repellant attractor on the Robot's leg.

It had to happen sooner or later.

To the park!
You head to the park. It's peaceful tranquility and calming aura provide a relaxing contrast to the chaos in the rest of the city.

But what's this? Oh no! Something dares to destroy the serenity of the park?

ZOMBIES ON MOPEDS!

Assholes!

Also in the park is an old tourist information hut and a vending machine, for some reason.
> duct-tape an empty bottle to the end of the extendo-pen
You create a super-extendo-pen with an even less practical grip for extra extension and less usability™. Seriously, why do you make this crap?
>tie length of duct tape around can of WD-40, use as a flail
You create a super exciting lubricant flail, perfect for beating robots whilst also making their joints less susceptible to wear and tear!
> Go NORTH
> Draw a big brain on the Robot's leg.
> Use "Brains-B-Gone" zombie repellant attractor on the Robot's leg.

It had to happen sooner or later.
You head up to the robot and draw a big brain on it's leg before emptying the entire can of "Brains-B-Gone" onto it, then run for cover as every zombie in a 3-mile radius makes a beeline towards it, albeit very slowly.

Except for one of those asshole zombies on mopeds, who immediately crashes into the robot at top speed and causes a big explosion, taking out one of the robots 4 legs! Talk about killing 2 birds with one stone.

Unfortunately, the rest of the zombies no longer seem interested. Even your zombie friends wander off in search of more exciting things to find. Oh well, they were fun while they lasted.

Anyway, that robot's struggling to move around now and seems pretty unstable.

Locations of interest (because this direction stuff is getting old):
Tourist information hut
Vending machine
Zombies on mopeds
City ruins
Robot
Shopping centre

>_
Inventory:
pen
super-extendo-pen with an even less practical grip for extra extension and less usability™
crowbar
safety goggles
roll of duct-tape
lubricant flail
paper weight

>jam all available currency into vending machine

> Jam a few things that look like currency but obviously aren't to anybody who is not such a tightfisted cheapskate into said vending machine as well

>jam all available currency into vending machine
You search around for some money and find a pound coin near a park bench and a few pennies in the grass, which you shove into the vending machine. The machine whirrs and clanks for a while, before spitting out the equivalent in Egyptian piastre. Yeah, this is useful. You throw it away.
> Jam a few things that look like currency but obviously aren't to anybody who is not such a tightfisted cheapskate into said vending machine as well
You find a button and a bottle top on the floor, and also pull off some duct-tape into little circular blobs and shove these into the vending machine. The machine whirrs and clanks as is par for the course, and then spits out some strange looking bottle made out of buttons all stuck together with duct tape. Doesn't seem very useful considering all the buttons have holes in them, but maybe it'll sell to an art dealer for huge money if they weren't all dead and the gallery hadn't been destroyed.

>_

Locations of interest:
Tourist information hut
Vending machine
Zombies on mopeds
City ruins
Robot
Shopping centre

Inventory:
pen
super-extendo-pen with an even less practical grip for extra extension and less usability™
crowbar
safety goggles
roll of duct-tape
lubricant flail
paper weight
button bottle

>use WD-40 flail to lasso zombies off mopeds

> Hurl paperweight at Melon inside his robot thingy, in the hope it'll break through the canopy and hit Melon's head.