Apologies for the thread idea theft.

You are in a room. In front of you is Melon, reading a book.

>

Find Out Book Title

The book is entitled "How to rip off 'Poke Zeor and Die' threads in 3 easy steps, and 393784 exceptionally difficult ones".

>

> Slam Melon's nose shut in said book

You creep up to Melon as silently as possible, and grab the book. You then slam the pages together with extreme force, and after a brief moment of self satisfaction and smugness, realise that worms don't actually have noses. Melon stares at you angrily, and then swiftly stabs you in the heart, before reopening the book and continuing to read.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0/100 points.
Continue Y/N?

>

> Observe room

> Observe the axe collection in great detail

> Observe room
SOUTH is the door you entered the room in.
EAST is one of those creepy floating ? blocks.
WEST is a vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER.
NORTH is Melon, reading a book.
UP is the ceiling, which is made of glass to let light in.
DOWN is the floor.
Also scattered amonst the room are various non-descript items that are irrelevant unless the plot dictates it.
> Observe the axe collection in great detail
Continue Y/N?

Y

> Pick an axe up and study it closely, particularly the blade.

> Go East

> Jump

Y

> Pick an axe up and study it closely, particularly the blade.
You study it far too closely, slicing your eye open. You wonder around blindly, and stumble into a conveniently placed bottomless pit.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0/100 points
Continue Y/N?

>
> Go East
You are standing under the creepy floating ? block.
> Jump
You jump up and hit your head on the ? block. It hurts. A lot. What the hell were you thinking?

>

Y

> Come back from the dead, head NORTH and haunt Melon

> See if I can find some paracetamol among the various non-descript items on the floor

> Go west
> Insert Coin

Y

> Come back from the dead, head NORTH and haunt Melon
You silently glide towards Melon and float next to him, but he is too engrossed in his book to notice you. You begin to prepare mystical feats in order to scare him, and root through the various non-descript items on the floor looking for props. You find an interesting amulet titled the "Amulet of Regeneration", and upon touching it, you are showered in a beam of light and regain your physical form. Unfortunately, you're still floating when ths happens, and your unscheduled meeting with the floor breaks a tooth.

YOU HAVE COME BACK TO LIFE!
You scored -100 / 100 points.
Continue Y/N?

>
> See if I can find some paracetamol among the various non-descript items on the floor
Unfortunately for you, the plot does not dictate that you need any paracetamol, and so you don't find any. You do, however, find a link to a website called "TV Tropes", and spend the rest of your life viewing the website.

YOU HAVE DIED!
You scored 1/34 / 100 points.
Continue Y/N?

>
> Go west
> Insert Coin
The machine spits out an intalian plumber in a red cap, who seems fixated on the rest of your coins. He keeps jumping to reach them, but due to an unforseen miscalculation of scale, he's unable to leap an inch off of the floor, despite jumping up to five times higher than he is tall.

>

Y

> Go up to the Italian plumber and give him a coin.

It makes a nice "ching" sound. He asks you for 98 more. You don't have that much money.

>

>Kick melon and run for it.

You run up to Melon and go to kick him, but all of a sudden you remember that you're a worm, and you don't have any feet or legs. You decide to run away anyway, but during the sprint, you realise that you can't actually run due to the aformentioned lack of appropriate appendages, and as a result you immediately fall over. You are now back where you started, but with some small damage to your ego.

You lose 3 cool points. You have 27 remaining.

>

Y

> Walk up to Melon, activate "Prod" tool and Prod melon. Then run like hell out of the door used to enter room.

> Grow legs, and proceed to kick Melon and run for it.

Excellent.

>dance like an idiot

> See if there is a red mushroom among the nondescript items on the floor. If there is, give it to the plumber.

> Take Italian plumber and put in inventory (weather it be pocket or bag or whatever)

> Walk up to Melon, activate "Prod" tool and Prod melon. Then run like hell out of the door used to enter room.
You prod Melon. It's not a kick, but you decide that it'll have to do for now. He fails to notice. You prod him again. He continues to read his book. He's so engrossed, you're clearly going to need something a bit more powerful. You decide you might as well run out of the door anyway. You zoom out of the door into incoming traffic and get hit by a truck.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored pie / 100, and that isn't 3.14.
Continue Y/N?

>
> Grow legs, and proceed to kick Melon and run for it.
You search through the various non-descript items on the floor for a satchet of toxic waste, and drink it. You slowly mutate, and eventually grow some legs and feet. Unfortunately, they're microscopic in size. You decide it's good enough and attempt to kick Melon, but it's awkward and you end up looking like you're hula dancing instead. You decide it might be more constructive to just lunge at him feet first instead, and do so. Despite this, Melon remains unfazed, and turns the page of his book and continues to read. You're clearly going to need to make more of an impact.

Finally, you look at the thread title, and even though it wasn't technically a kick, you spontaneously combust into ludicrous gibs. Melon wipes the flesh off of his book and continues to read.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored e / 100, but e isn't a number in this case, and so it can be taken as 0.
Continue Y/N?

>
>dance like an idiot
You proceed to dance like HackerMan, waving your arms in the air whilst swearing a lot and rambling on about "the good old days". At that moment, a helicopter flies above, and the most popular girl in the village looks down through the glass roof at you. She then proceeds to tell every girl in the neighbour hood. You're not getting laid any time soon.

You lose 26 cool points. You have 4 remaining.

>
> See if there is a red mushroom among the nondescript items on the floor. If there is, give it to the plumber.
You find a red mushroom and give it to the plumber. He doubles in size, but that still makes him under half an inch tall. You assume it's an improvement.

>
> Take Italian plumber and put in inventory (weather it be pocket or bag or whatever)
You pick him up and place him in your inventory. You don't quite know what your inventory is, or how it works, but it can only hold 99 of everything.
Recieved item 'Tiny Italian plumber that conveniently lacks any sort of copyright infringing specific details'

>

Y

> Return and hand melon the pie scored in previous round. Encourage melon to eat said pie and pray he dies of food poisoning or some kind of pie allergy. Leave room and be very careful of any obstacles, hazards and anything else that might kill self. Avoid said things.


Wow I'm bad at this :p

Incidentally, I died laughing over the Hackerman bit :D

> GO East to floating ? block
> USE italian plumber on floating ? block

Y

> Return and hand melon the pie scored in previous round. Encourage melon to eat said pie and pray he dies of food poisoning or some kind of pie allergy. Leave room and be very careful of any obstacles, hazards and anything else that might kill self. Avoid said things.

Wow I'm bad at this :p
You walk over to Melon and hand him the pie. He thanks you and messily devours the pie. After he has eaten it, his face slowly begins to drop, and he puts his hand on his stomach. He groans.

Melon burps. "Sorry about that. Pies always give me wind." He picks up his book and continues to read it. "Oh, and here, take this." He thrusts a piece of paper into your hand. It has "voucher" written on it, but doesn't specify an amount.
Recieved item 'Voucher without any apparent monetary value'

You slowly make your way over to the door, carefully avoiding every object in the room. You breathe a huge sigh of relief as you reach the door, but as you go to open it, it falls off of it's hinges and falls on top of you. You are crushed beneath it's weight.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored voucher / 100, unfortunately, the voucher doesn't have any apparent score value.
Continue Y/N?

>

P.S. It's probably easier if you keep aquired items when you come back after death. That way you won't have to bug me with asking to pick it up again.

Also, I keep killing you because you keep trying to harm me. And because it's funny.
> GO East to floating ? block
> USE italian plumber on floating ? block
You go EAST. You are standing under the creepy floating ? block.

You try to place the Italian plumber on top of the block, but it is too high. Instead, you try to throw him onto the block, but your aim is poor and he hits his head on the underside of the block. He falls down to the ground, and runs away into a piece of green piping on the floor. Oddly, he doesn't appear out of the other end.

You look up at the floating block. It suddenly turns into a strandard crate, and falls on top of you, crushing you to death. You have an out of body experience, and notice a flower on top of the crate.

YOU HAVE DIED
Your score is placed into the vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER. It spits out a rotten fish. You fail to see the association.
Continue Y/N?

>

> Go to the crate and pick up the flower.

Y

> go to local comic book shop, exchange voucher (later to be found to be incredibly rare) for huge sum of money. Buy Melon a very nice, expensive gift. Return to room. Walk over to Melon. Offer Melon the gift as a gesture of goodwill.

> Insert another coin into the vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER

> Go to the crate and pick up the flower.
You pick up the flower. It feels hot.
Recieved item 'Suspiciously warm flower'

>
Y

> go to local comic book shop, exchange voucher (later to be found to be incredibly rare) for huge sum of money. Buy Melon a very nice, expensive gift. Return to room. Walk over to Melon. Offer Melon the gift as a gesture of goodwill.
You give Melon a solid gold egg mayonaise sandwich. He thanks you and puts it in his pocket. "Here, take this." He thrusts a piece of paper into your hand. It has "Treasure map" written on the top, and contains nothing more than a big X in the middle.
Recieved item 'Irritatingly vague treasure map'

>
> Insert another coin into the vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER
You insert a coin. A cheese shop mysteriously manifests itself next to the vending machine.

>

> Study Melon's posture.

Woo i didn't die :D

> Insert map into vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER

> Eat flower

>Enter room after leaving the local library of magicks. use newly acquired skills to summon a large boot. instead of kicking melon (because kicking melon would mean death) I send the boot after melon's primary assaulter, ThomasP, just as he places the map into the vending machine.

> Insert map into vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER

you receive something WACKY and RANDOM, i'm sure

>Y
>Say out loud: "001100 010010 011110 100001 101101 110011".

>search room for collectable explosives

(Mtl Agnulus, that's only a tiny part of the whole code though)

> Y
> Insert arm into vending machine in hope of finding the points I have stored in there.

I guess this will be easier if I assume everybody shares the inventory.
> Study Melon's posture.
Melon is hunched over a book. He shifts his wait to his other leg. Or he would, if he had any legs.

>
> Insert map into vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER
You shove the map into the vending machine with force. You didn't mean to, but somebody kicked you with a magical boot while you inserted the map.
You recieve a treasure chest. It is locked.
Recieved item 'Inconveniently locked tresure chest'

>
> Eat flower
You catch on fire and burn to death. The flower remains intact though.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0.333 (to 3 decimal places) / 100
Continue Y/N?

>
>Enter room after leaving the local library of magicks. use newly acquired skills to summon a large boot. instead of kicking melon (because kicking melon would mean death) I send the boot after melon's primary assaulter, ThomasP, just as he places the map into the vending machine.
You kick ThomasP with a magical boot. Melon sniggers.

>
>Y
>Say out loud: "001100 010010 011110 100001 101101 110011".
CHECKSUM ERROR

>
>search room for collectable explosives
You search through the various non-descript items for some explosives. You don't find any, but you do manage to find a box of matches and an stick of dynamite so old it doesn't work anymore.
Recieved item 'Mr. Flame's Arson-in-a-box'
Recieved item 'Ancient dud stick of dynamite'

>
> Y
> Insert arm into vending machine in hope of finding the points I have stored in there.
You insert your arm into the vending machine. It spits out a glove. When you remove your arm, you discover it has been cut off, and you die of blood loss.
Recieved item 'Not very interesting glove'

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 1 / 100 points. Go on, give yourself a hand. Oh that's right, you don't have one anymore.
Continue Y/N?

>

> Test weight of vending machine

> Go to smouldering remains of Star Worms and pick up flower again.

>levitate the boot and place it into the vending machine of incredible power. accidentally kick thomas one more time in the process and then begin whistling as if extremely innocent.

> Search room for lock-picking equipment, or suitable tool to remove lock from chest. If necessary, ask Melon where to find such items.

> Test weight of vending machine
You walk over to the vending maching and try to pick it up. It's extremely heavy, and it seems that nothing would ever move it. You walk away, and the vending machine suddenly tips backwards and crashes through the wall. It still appears to be fully functional, but it has knocked a hole in the wall into another room. You mutter to yourself that it's very convenient because you were running out of useful things to do in this room.

>
> Go to smouldering remains of Star Worms and pick up flower again.
Re-recieved item 'Suspiciously warm flower'

>
>levitate the boot and place it into the vending machine of incredible power. accidentally kick thomas one more time in the process and then begin whistling as if extremely innocent.
You kick ThomasP a second time as you place the boot inside the vending machine. Melon guffaws. The vending machine spits out a magical boot lace. It's incredibly strong and long, and could probably be useful as a makeshift rope.
Recieved item 'Sturdy bootlace'

>
> Search room for lock-picking equipment, or suitable tool to remove lock from chest. If necessary, ask Melon where to find such items.
You search through the various non-descript items for anything resembling a key, hair clip, or otherwise lock-pickish item. Despite the extremely wide range of items available, you fail to find anything suitable. You ask Melon where you could find such an item. He shrugs and continues to read his book.

>

> Study hole in wall

You look at the hole. It seems big enough to walk through easily, and it appears to lead to another room. However, the room is very dark, and you can't see anything thats inside it. You'll need to find a light source before you enter. You wonder why that room doesn't have a glass ceiling as well, but you decide that that would make the game too easy.

>

> Steal Melon's book (only temporarily!) and use it to viciously attack the lock on the toolbox, being careful to shield eyes and any other important bodily organs from flying shrapnel. When done, return book to Melon and say "Thank you".

> Gaze at Melon's book and wonder how the hell it could be used as such a blunt instrument. Then look around the room for any convinent light sources.

> Steal Melon's book (only temporarily!) and use it to viciously attack the lock on the toolbox, being careful to shield eyes and any other important bodily organs from flying shrapnel. When done, return book to Melon and say "Thank you".
You swipe the book out of Melon's hands. Before you have time to do anything else, Melon screams "YOU BENT THE FRONT COVER!!" and flies into a manic rage, stabbing you multiple times. He eventually calms down, and picks the book back up, carefully wiping the blood off of it. He then continues to read it.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 100^0 / 100
Continue Y/N?

>

> Gaze at Melon's book and wonder how the hell it could be used as such a blunt instrument. Then look around the room for any convinent light sources.
You gaze at the book and notice it's flimsy paperback covers. You then proceed to look around the room. You don't find any light ources, but you do find a flammable looking candle wick that could come in handy.
Recieved item 'Flammable looking candle wick'

>

> summons a second boot and laces the boot with the magical boot lace in hopes of creating some kind of mutant hybrid miracle-boot.

You summon a second boot and tie the bootlace to it. The boot dissapears as you attempt to do so. That's not going to work.

>

You swipe the book out of Melon's hands. Before you have time to do anything else, Melon screams "YOU BENT THE FRONT COVER!!" and flies into a manic rage, stabbing you multiple times. He eventually calms down, and picks the book back up, carefully wiping the blood off of it. He then continues to read it.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 100^0 / 100
Continue Y/N?

>
Woo I scored a point :D


Y

> Insert Melon into vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER

You scored 100^0 / 100
Woo I scored a point
Wouldn't that be 0.01 points?

Wouldn't that be 0.01 points?
I thought it was 1 point out of 100. In the same way that "You scored 50 / 100" is not 0.5, but 50 points out of a maximum of 100

> enter the cheese shop

You only scored a point because I'm beginning to run out of silly ideas for the point score section. I might drop it completely eventually.
Y

> Insert Melon into vending machine of INCREDIBLE POWER
You use all your might to lift up Melon and carry him to the vending machine. He continues to read his book whilst you do so. You manage to squeeze Melon into the machine. It spits him back out again, but this time he's holding a different book, one entitled "The Official Kick Melon and Die : The Unnecessary Subtitle Strategy Guide". Melon walks back to his original position, and begins reading his new book.

>
> enter the cheese shop
You enter the shop. A man with a comical mustache, beret and stripy shirt is standing behind the counter. The shelves in the shop seem surprisingly bare, as in, there is absolutely no stock on any of them.

>

> Request use of Melon's book

> Say to the man in the cheese shop, "I don't suppose you happen to have any plots in stock today? Only I'd like to know what's going on. Is this a murder mystery, for example?"

> Request use of Melon's book
Melon growls at you. You're not getting him away from his book very easily.

>
> Say to the man in the cheese shop, "I don't suppose you happen to have any plots in stock today? Only I'd like to know what's going on. Is this a murder mystery, for example?"
The man replies "Well, considering how often ThomasP has died, it might as well be!" in a French accent that's almost as comical as his moustache. "Le hawhawhaw". You groan at the terrible stereotyping. "Anyway, have you not even read ze title? You need to kick ze Melon! But he is too engrossed in his book to notice such a puny attempt from yourself! May ze force be with you! Ooops wrong game!"

>

> Murder melon by ramming flower down his throat and steal book

> Exit cheese shop, take flower from inventory and insert it in the vending machine

> Murder melon by ramming flower down his throat and steal book
You walk up to a melon and ram the suspiciously warm flower into it. The melon explodes, and you pick the flower back up. Melon looks over and mutters somethnig about fortunate typos.

The melon has no book which you can steal.

>
> Exit cheese shop, take flower from inventory and insert it in the vending machine
You insert the flower into the vending machine. It spits it back out again. You wonder if its because you might need it for something later on.

>

> Put the flower near the piece of green piping

> Count number of matches on person

> Give flower to Melon in return for having a read of his book

> Walk up to Melon and offer to swap his current book "The Official Kick Melon and Die : The Unnecessary Subtitle Strategy Guide" for a book entitled "1001 Humorous Ways to Kill thomasp"

> Put the flower near the piece of green piping
Nothing happens. You assume the plumber isn't coming back.

>
> Count number of matches on person
You count all of the matches in your Mr. Flame's Arson-in-a-box. The exact number of matches you have is "enough". You complain to the game that this isn't a number. The game sticks it's tongue out at you. You wonder about how the previous sentences make sense.

>
> Give flower to Melon in return for having a read of his book
Melon refuses to take the flower. He says you might need it.

>
> Walk up to Melon and offer to swap his current book "The Official Kick Melon and Die : The Unnecessary Subtitle Strategy Guide" for a book entitled "1001 Humorous Ways to Kill thomasp"
You don't have such a book in your inventory.

>

> Quickly write a book entitled "1001 Humorous Ways to Kill thomasp", then walk up to Melon and offer it to Melon in exchange for his current book "The Official Kick Melon and Die : The Unnecessary Subtitle Strategy Guide"

> Light a match. Throw said match into the dark room.

I thought it was 1 point out of 100. In the same way that "You scored 50 / 100" is not 0.5, but 50 points out of a maximum of 100
Oh! That makes sense.
I was wondering about the strange point calculations...

So does this mean the game will be over when someone gets 100 out of 100 points?
Even without managing to kick Melon?

>looks towards the cieling in an attempt to find anything to do with the magical shoe lace.

>

CHECKSUM ERROR

>Be extremely dissapointed.

> Light the ancient dud stick of dynamite with the matches and use it as a candle.

>ignite self with matches and run around in all directions

> Quickly write a book entitled "1001 Humorous Ways to Kill thomasp", then walk up to Melon and offer it to Melon in exchange for his current book "The Official Kick Melon and Die : The Unnecessary Subtitle Strategy Guide"
You find a pen and a huge stack of paper and proceed to write out the book. Once you've finished, you walk over to Melon and hand it to him. Melon reads the title. "101 Funee Wayz 2 Kil Me". He decides it looks interesting and hands you the strategy guide. Elated, you decide to start reading it. "Use the italian plumber on the creepy floating ? block to obtain a suspiciou....". "Oooh, here's a good one!" interrupts Melon, and suddenly charges into you, sending you flying backwards out of the broken doorway and into oncoming traffic. You get hit by a truck and die instantly. Unfortunately, the guide gets stuck onto the front of the truck and is carried away far into the distance never to be seen again.

Melon chuckles, and continues to read his new book.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored -1 / 100 points
Continue Y/N?

>
> Light a match. Throw said match into the dark room.
You light a match and throw it into the room. The light it gives off is tiny, and it quickly burns out. You're going to need something a bit more substantial to burn.

>
So does this mean the game will be over when someone gets 100 out of 100 points?
Even without managing to kick Melon?
Kicking Melon sucessfully is worth 99 points.
>looks towards the cieling in an attempt to find anything to do with the magical shoe lace.
You look up at the glass ceiling. One of the glass panels near the corner is missing, and is large enough for you to climb through. Unfortunately, there doesn't appear to be anything to lasso the bootlace around.

>
>Be extremely dissapointed.
You are extremely dissapointed.

>
> Light the ancient dud stick of dynamite with the matches and use it as a candle.
You set fire to the fuse on the ancient dud stick of dynamite. It glows extrememly brightly. Unfortunately, it burns out after 5 seconds, however, it does leave a small hole in the middle that could easily fit another fuse in or a similar object.

>
>ignite self with matches and run around in all directions
You set fire to yourself and run around in all directions. You manage to avoid burning anything, and end up burning to death and collapse in a smouldering heap on the floor.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0 /100 points
Continue Y/N?

>

> Ask Zero to repeat process, but to run into the darkend room next time.

> Win game.

>politely ignite self and run screaming into dark room

> Walk up to MtlAngelus and kick him for ruining the game.

> Apply wick to the dud stick of dynamite, then set the wick on fire. Proceed to use the lit dynamite as a candle

> Ask Zero to repeat process, but to run into the darkend room next time.>politely ignite self and run screaming into dark room
Zero sets himslef on fire again and proceeds to run towrds the hole in the wall, arms flailing widly and screaming. However, he trips up as he enters, and falls onto the floor in a smouldering heap. You can almost make out something in the room, but the fire dies away too quickly.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0 / 100 points. However, you are useful for roasting marshmallows, so it's not a great loss.
Continue Y/N?

>
> Win game.> Walk up to MtlAngelus and kick him for ruining the game.
YOU HAVE WON THE GAME
Angelus celebrates. He knew that the orange set was the best colour on the board, and everyone was screwed when he put hotels on them. ThomasP isn't happy. He found the game inside the various non-descript items on the floor and was hoping to win. He grabs Arkuryou by the neck and forces him to summon up a boot, and kick Angelus with it. He does so, and Angelus flies across the room and falls down the bottemless pit. He dies of stravation whilst falling.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0 / 100 points, but you did win the Monopoly sidequest.
Continue Y/N?

>
> Apply wick to the dud stick of dynamite, then set the wick on fire. Proceed to use the lit dynamite as a candle
You do so, however, all of the matches except the last one managed to light up, and so you are now out of matches. The dynamite makes a fantastic candle however, and as you walk into the darkened room, you notice more candles hanging on the walls. You proceed to light them all, and soon the room is light up with the power of a thousand Suns. Unfortunately, newspapers aren't very bright. However, the room is light enough for you to see inside it clearly.

You look around the room.
To the WEST you notice an old rusty ladder leading to a wooden walkway above. You can't see what's on the walkway. Unfortunately, the ladder looks very old and dangerous.
To the NORTH is a huge shelf full of books.
To the SOUTH is a desk. There appears to be various items on the desk. You assume they'll be more important than the non-specific ones in the previous room.
To the EAST is the hole in the wall leading to the original room.

>

I should probably keep a list of the inventory items in each post. It'll be easier for all of us.
Suspiciously warm flower
Inconveniently locked tresure chest
Not very interesting glove
Sturdy bootlace

> Investigate contents of said desk.

> Investigate shelf of said books, being very careful to ensure shelf does not spontaneously fall over and kill self.

> Tie the sturdy bootlace to the wooden walkway

> steals back the bootlace that Paul stole for no reason (:p). grab both summoned boots and tie one end of the shoelace to each boot. hurl the first boot into the open window in the ceiling. ensure that the shoelace is sturdy and then climb up the shoelace.

edit: > yells down to paul that he can have the shoe lace back if he needs it.

> Y
> Iddqd

> steals back the bootlace that Paul stole for no reason (:p). grab both summoned boots and tie one end of the shoelace to each boot. hurl the first boot into the open window in the ceiling. ensure that the shoelace is sturdy and then climb up the shoelace.

edit: > yells down to paul that he can have the shoe lace back if he needs it.I didn't steal it, it's a shared inventory now :p

I think it'll be easier if I shuffle the order of two of these
> Investigate contents of said desk.
The more interesting items are:
A voodoo doll of thomasp
A screwdriver (all adventure games have a screwdriver in them)
A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle
A small mound of blu-tack

>
> Investigate shelf of said books, being very careful to ensure shelf does not spontaneously fall over and kill self.
You read the titles of the books.

Falling Off Cliffs by Eileen Dover
Rusty Bedsprings by I. P. Nightly
Dead Celebrities by L. Viss

You soon realise that you're looking in the joke book title section. You look further along the shelf.

Hackerman's Guide to Hacking
1001 Humourous Ways to Kill thomasp
Slick's Book of 101 Great Chat up Lines
Forum News - The Book of the Movie of the Cartoon Series of the Comic Strip
_Kilburn's Guide to Making Weapons

You notice that the shelf has been put up so precariously that taking off more than one book at a time will cause the destruction of the universe. You wonder if it's a cunning ploy to prevent cluttering up your inventory.

>
>grab both summoned boots and tie one end of the shoelace to each boot. hurl the first boot into the open window in the ceiling. ensure that the shoelace is sturdy and then climb up the shoelace.

edit: > yells down to paul that he can have the shoe lace back if he needs it.
You throw the boot onto the roof and it snags onto a protruding piece of roof. You pull on the shoelace and test if it will hold your weight. When it appears to do so, you climb up onto the roof. Once you have climbed up onto the roof a strange mist descends upon the area, preventing any description of the surounding area. You can hear oncoming traffic to the South.
You look around the roof of the warehouse. You see some bits of metal piping on top of the roof to the secret room.

>
> Tie the sturdy bootlace to the wooden walkway
You tie a loop into the bootlace and lasso it onto part of the walkway. It magically becomes infused with the walkway and becomes a permanent feature. You won't be able to use it for another purpose again, but you can climb up it onto the walkway.

>
> Y
> Iddqd
GOD MODE ACTIVATED
Unfortunately for you, the game is an aethiest, and so you no longer exist.

YOU HAVE DIED
Nobody believes in the points you scored, so they too cease to exist.
Continue Y/N?

>

Inventory :
Suspiciously warm flower
Inconveniently locked tresure chest
Not very interesting glove

> Climb onto the walkway

> Search for marshmallows to roast over smoulding Zeor ruins

> Climb onto the walkway
You climb up the bootlace rope aont the walkway. Rather oddly, you find a Time Crisis 3000 lightgun game machine and a door in the wall.

>
> Search for marshmallows to roast over smoulding Zeor ruins
You search through the various non-descript items and find a bag of marshmallows, as well as a stick. You roast the marshmallows over Zeor's smouldering remains, and have a nice snack. You eat all of the marshmallows, and then throw away the stick.

>

> Remove two books at the same time from said bookshelf.

You lift up two books off of the shelf. A rift forms in the fragile fabric of space time, one with the power to destroy the universe! However, it appears to be very localised, and is created inside thomasp, who then explodes in a mass of gore. The rift then heals, and the books mysteriously fly back onto the shelf.

YOU HAVE DIED
Your score was lost if the rift
Continue Y/N?

>

> Read "1001 Humourous Ways to Kill thomasp" and carry out one that requires use of a screwdriver on the thomasp voodoo doll.

> Using the power of recently eaten marshmallows, charge into the dark room revealed by fallen vending machine whilst screaming.

> Read "1001 Humourous Ways to Kill thomasp" and carry out one that requires use of a screwdriver on the thomasp voodoo doll.
You flick through the book and read number 326, entitled "Driver 5, the voodoo curse". You read the passage, and then pick up the voodoo doll and screwdriver and plunge the screwdriver into the eye of the doll. Inside a space-time rift, thomasp's eye explodes. You put the items back onto the table.

>
> Using the power of recently eaten marshmallows, charge into the dark room revealed by fallen vending machine whilst screaming.

You charge into the room and flail your arms wildly, screaming incomprehensable phrases such as "ATBRRBRBRTBR!" and "SRVBRTET!" You suddenly stop and notice everybody else staring at you inside the fully lit secret room. You look back 15 posts and realise that you've been really unobservant and now look like a total tit.

You lose 22 cool points. You have 8 left.

>

Inventory :
Suspiciously warm flower
Inconveniently locked tresure chest
Not very interesting glove

> Quickly think of a witty joke

You gather everybody's attention. You crack the following joke :

"So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"."

Everybody throws eggs at you.

You lose 15003837 cool points. You are so ashamed you decide to set up an account on Live Journal, and start posting terrible poetry on it. You cut yourself and die, alone and unloved. Nobody misses you.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored -infinity / 100
Continue Y/N?

>

> Y

Sit in a corner of whatever room I've spawned into and curl up.

You curl into a ball in the corner of the room. Nobody cares.

>

> Take voodoo doll, screwdriver, rubber chicken and blu-tack

> Look for a book titled: "Instruction Manual".

> Locate and pick up infuriatingly-locked treasure chest from much earlier on and overcoming the lack of depth perception smash it into the back of Star Worms' head as revenge for the voodoo doll stunt. Then scour bookshelf for books relating to replacing an eye.

> Take voodoo doll, screwdriver, rubber chicken and blu-tack
Recieved item 'Hideously ugly and therefore extremely lifelike thomasp voodoo doll'
Recieved item 'Typical Adventure Game Screwdriver'
Recieved item 'Rubber Chicken with a pulley in the middle'
Recieved item 'Lump of Blu-tack'

>
> Look for a book titled: "Instruction Manual".
You find a book called "The Kick Melon and Die : The Unnecessary Subtitle User Manual". You read it.
"Type words to play. Stuff happens as a result."
It's all the book says. You put it back on the shelf.

>
> Locate and pick up infuriatingly-locked treasure chest from much earlier on and overcoming the lack of depth perception smash it into the back of Star Worms' head as revenge for the voodoo doll stunt. Then scour bookshelf for books relating to replacing an eye.
You stagger around for ages looking for the treasure chest until you realise it's in your inventory. You smash Star Worms around the back of the head with it, and he suffers a fatal concussion. It remains locked and intact, but Star Worms falls onto the voodoo doll and you are promptly crusehed to death.

YOU HAVE BOTH DIED
Your combined score is 0 / 200 points.
Continue Y/N?

>

Inventory :
Suspiciously warm flower
Inconveniently locked tresure chest
Not very interesting glove
Hideously ugly and therefore extremely lifelike thomasp voodoo doll
Typical Adventure Game Screwdriver
Rubber Chicken with a pulley in the middle
Lump of Blu-tack

> Grab hold of Screwdriver. Unfurl from curled state and leap across the room to Melon, screeching like a demon thing and attempt to kill Melon with Screwdriver, teeth and any claws that may or may not appear on hands.

Y

> Steal voodoo doll of self and hide it to prevent others abusing it and killing self. Walk up rusty ladder and explore what's at the top, being very careful not to over-stress the ladder and cause it to fail.

> Examine the light-gun game machine

> examine the piping above the secret room being careful to avoid any weak glass that could shatter and cause me to fall.

Y

>insert any available currency into vending machine

> Y
>Die

> Grab hold of Screwdriver. Unfurl from curled state and leap across the room to Melon, screeching like a demon thing and attempt to kill Melon with Screwdriver, teeth and any claws that may or may not appear on hands.
You run and dive towards Melon. He cunningly sidesteps, and unable to change direction in mid-air, you fall down the bottomless pit.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0 / 100
Continue Y/N?

>
Y

> Steal voodoo doll of self and hide it to prevent others abusing it and killing self. Walk up rusty ladder and explore what's at the top, being very careful not to over-stress the ladder and cause it to fail.
You take the voodoo doll and hide it in your inside jacket pocket. You begin climbing up the rusty ladder. It looks dangerous, but seems to be solid enough. However, just before you reach the top, you notice Paul is already up there, and you look across at the rope he used toclimb up. You feel silly. Suddenly, the ladder gives way for no apparent reason, and you fall to the floor. As you land, part of the ladder falls of and plummets downwards, impaling you through the heart. To make matters worse, the piece of ladder also fell through your jacket pocket and imapled the voodoo doll. Giving you double the pain.

YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0 / 100
Continue Y?N?

>
> Examine the light-gun game machine
Given how often people die in this game, you approach the light gun game cautiously and examine it for anything potentially dangerous. It seems perfectly safe.

>
> examine the piping above the secret room being careful to avoid any weak glass that could shatter and cause me to fall.
The screws holding the piping seem loose. You aren't sure what the piping is for, but it doesn't appear to be used for anything any more.

>
Y

>insert any available currency into vending machine
You inset a gold coin. The vending machine tells you it's out of italian plumbers. You don't get your money back.

>
>Y
>Die
YOU HAVE DIED
You scored 0 / 100
Continue Y/N?

>

Y

> Go and grab the light gun thingy then go and climb on the loose piping.

> Y

/give score 100

> Play as much of the light gun game as I can before thomasp rudely interrupts me.

> Y
> Talk to Melon

>Y
>Main screen turn on!

Y

> Go and grab the light gun thingy then go and climb on the loose piping.
You grab the lightgun thingie and take it with you. At least it's a two player machine, so one remains.
Recieved item 'Lightgun'

You try to climb the loose pipng, but you can't because it's ON THE ROOF AND YOU AREN'T ON THE ROOF AND ONLY AKU IS ON THE ROOF AND HE'S STUCK UP THERE.

>
> Y

/give score 100
You try to make the score counter reach 100. It breaks. Permanently.

>
> Play as much of the light gun game as I can before thomasp rudely interrupts me.
You play Time Crisis 3000, but don't make it past the first level before you get a game over.

>
> Y
> Talk to Melon
"Hi there!" says Melon. "You can each ask me 3 questions, unless a question sucks, in which case I won't answer any more questions from that person. And only one question at a time please."

>
>Y
>Main screen turn on!
There are no SCREEN TURN ONs for you to MAIN

>

Inventory :
Suspiciously warm flower
Inconveniently locked tresure chest
Not very interesting glove
Hideously ugly and therefore extremely lifelike thomasp voodoo doll
Typical Adventure Game Screwdriver
Rubber Chicken with a pulley in the middle
Lump of Blu-tack
Lightgun

> Randomly shoot lightgun in all axes.

> Randomly shoot lightgun in all axes.considering your track record you do realize that you're about to get cancer or something from the light beams and then promptly fall over writhing in pain as your spleen bursts, right?

> somehow manage to have the screwdriver in my pockets or whatever I'm carrying things around in. then unscrew the piping, being careful not to let it fall off the roof if the roof is slanted at all.

> Crawl around pretending to be Solid Snake.

>jab at lock on treasure chest with screwdriver with reckless abandon

> Open the door in the wall behind the lightgun game machine

> Ask melon "Where are we?"
> Ask melon "How do I score big points?"
> Ask melon "Why?"

> Randomly shoot lightgun in all axes.
You shoot the lightgun in a random direction. Every time you fire it, somebody falls out of some sort of cover and fades away when they land on the floor. You put the gun away. You fear you might hurt somebody you care about.

>
> somehow manage to have the screwdriver in my pockets or whatever I'm carrying things around in. then unscrew the piping, being careful not to let it fall off the roof if the roof is slanted at all.
You pull the screwdriver out of your inventory. You don't dare question the logic behind how you can do that. You unscrew the loose piping and place it into your inventory.
Recieved item 'Extremely-loose-because-it's-no-longer-attached-to-anything pipng'

>
> Crawl around pretending to be Solid Snake.
You find a cardboard box to hide underneath. You stay there silently for hours.

>
>jab at lock on treasure chest with screwdriver with reckless abandon
You whack the lock on the chest with the screwdriver with extreme force. The screwdriver snaps in half, making it unusable. The chest remains as locked as ever.

>
> Open the door in the wall behind the lightgun game machine
You try to open the door. It appears to be locked from the other side. Because this is a game, you realise that this means you have no hope of opening it unless you're on the other side.

>
> Ask melon "Where are we?"
> Ask melon "How do I score big points?"
> Ask melon "Why?"
Melon says "You are in a room. In front of you is Melon, reading a book."
Melon says "You score big points by winning the game."
Melon says "Because it would be silly if you won points by losing."
"You are out of questions. Thank you."

>

Inventory :
Suspiciously warm flower
Inconveniently locked tresure chest
Not very interesting glove
Hideously ugly and therefore extremely lifelike thomasp voodoo doll
Rubber Chicken with a pulley in the middle
Lump of Blu-tack
Lightgun
Extremely-loose-because-it's-no-longer-attached-to-anything pipng

> Punch thomasp for being so careless with the Lightgun.

> Smack Alien King with said light gun.

> look around the roof for anything else to do up here or any doors leading into one of the upper floors or any other such conveniently interesting objects.

>attempt to combine suspiciously warm flower with uninteresting glove

> Turn cardboard box over and pretend it's a plane.

> Win game

> Lose game

> Cheat

> Kill the cheaters

Because I've run out of vaguely constructive things to do...

> Shoot the flower with the lightgun.

Actaully, I was getting quite tired of coming up with amusing responses to your commands on this. So I think I'll end it here. It was fun while it lasted.

In case people were wondering, I had actually decided on a puzzle to finish this, but I guess it was quite complicated. If you read the last book on the shelf, _Kilburn's Guide to Making Weapons, it'd tell you you could make a powerful gun from sticking piping on the end of another gun. So you'd combing the piping with the lightgun, sticking it together with the blu-tack, then stick the result into the vending machine to get a powerful gun that didn't fire. You'd then stick the rubber chicken into the vending machine and get a real chicken, then feed it the flower to roast it. You'd eat it, and the key to the chest was inside. Inside the chest was a firing mechanism for the gun, and you'd use it to make a proper gun, which you'd shoot Melon with to win. The glove did nothing.

But yeah. Maybe I'll start another version at some point. Thanks for playing.

Actaully, I was getting quite tired of coming up with amusing responses to your commands on this. So I think I'll end it here. It was fun while it lasted.

In case people were wondering, I had actually decided on a puzzle to finish this, but I guess it was quite complicated. If you read the last book on the shelf, _Kilburn's Guide to Making Weapons, it'd tell you you could make a powerful gun from sticking piping on the end of another gun. So you'd combing the piping with the lightgun, sticking it together with the blu-tack, then stick the result into the vending machine to get a powerful gun that didn't fire. You'd then stick the rubber chicken into the vending machine and get a real chicken, then feed it the flower to roast it. You'd eat it, and the key to the chest was inside. Inside the chest was a firing mechanism for the gun, and you'd use it to make a proper gun, which you'd shoot Melon with to win. The glove did nothing.

But yeah. Maybe I'll start another version at some point. Thanks for playing.awww come ON! I was really enjoying this.....******* :p

So what about the suspiciously war flower? Where did that fit into proceedings?

awww come ON! I was really enjoying this.....******* :p
Glad to hear it. Cheers.
So what about the suspiciously war flower? Where did that fit into proceedings?
"You'd then stick the rubber chicken into the vending machine and get a real chicken, then feed it the flower to roast it."

Glad to hear it. Cheers.

"You'd then stick the rubber chicken into the vending machine and get a real chicken, then feed it the flower to roast it."
Funny thing is, first time I read it I registered that. Then forgot to the second time.